Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Liam Neeson On Shortlist for Trump’s Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Chief of Staff position in the Trump administration has already seen three different men hold the title.

First, Reince Priebus left his position as chair of the Republican National Committee to help President Trump in the early days of his tenure. Soon, though, clashes arose between the two men, and suddenly General John Kelly, who had been heading up the Department of Homeland Security, was in as Chief of Staff. By the end of last year, though, Kelly was out, and Mick Mulvaney was named acting Chief of Staff. It’s been unclear thus far this year whether Trump would attempt to find a permanent spot for Mulvaney, who’s already wearing multiple hats in the administration, or not.

Reports out of the Oval Office this morning are that Trump may have found a new person to put at the top of his short list for the Chief of Staff role.

“I read in the paper that Liam Neeson once wanted to murder any random black dude who he came upon because one specific black man was accused by a relative of assaulting her,” Trump told reporters from Breitbart and InfoWars this morning. “And when I read that story, I forwarded it to Stephen Miller, who told me the boner he got from reading it indicates he’s way into bringing Neeson into the fold.”

MORE: Trump: Telling Sarah Huckabee Sanders Not To Give Briefings ‘Only Way To Keep Her From Lying’

Late last week, Neeson sent the Internet into overdrive when, during an interview, he admitted that when a relative told him she’d been raped by black man, he stalked the streets with a weapon, hoping any “black bastard” would confront him. In the wake of the interview, Neeson has tried to do some damage control, however, his appearance on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” was canceled, and the buzz doesn’t seem to have died down just yet. 

“It occurred to me that anyone willing to admit that they’d had racist feelings would be a super-duper perfect fit for this administration,” Trump said, beaming with pride. “Not that any of us are racist. We just say racist things and support policies that value white people over non-white people. The point is though, that Liam sounds to us like someone who would get along with Stephen, myself, and the klan robe the spirit of my dead father speaks to me through, like Sirius Black and the fireplace in that Harry Pothole movie.”

Reached for comment, Neeson said he would not take the job unless all the other acting jobs he was getting before dried completely up. 

“I was trying to open up and show the world that even good people can think bad things under terrible circumstances,” Neeson told reporters outside a restaurant he was dining in. “Maybe millions of other people would never have gone looking for racially charge vigilante justice, but how many of them have ever done a ton of movies where they play people looking for vigilante justice for a loved one? I got confused between reality and the part I was playing, which I guess means I really would fit in with Trump, so we’ll see.”

Trump paused.

“Plus, I hear he’s good with lazer swords from when he was in those Star Trek films and played a Brown-Eye or whatever,” Trump said. “Maybe he can defend me when Mueller comes…if he comes. SHIT! FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS! LOCK HER UP! CROOKED H! MAGA MAGA MAGA!”

Trump left the room, screaming and flailing his arms.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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