PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Ronald Crabtree, a low level Oxycontin street dealer, sits in a second hand LazyBoy recliner, shuffling through a Rolodex.
“This one here. I’ve got stories about him,” Crabtree tells us. ” Lets just say this guy was a fan of the booger sugar. Man, it was like dealing to Scarface.”
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Crabtree has been working the street corners of Palm Beach for years, dealing illicit drugs. Everything from ecstasy, to cocaine, to heroin, and since 1996, Oxycontin as well.
“The minute Rush Limbaugh moved down here, I started to include Oxycontin in my menu, so to speak. I was his initial go-to before he started to doctor shop. That stung a little, but he was loyal when it counted,” Crabtree said, still fidgeting with his Rolodex. “It was new territory for the both of us. But when his ‘back started hurting’, he knew he could count on me for a quick fix.”
Ronald also started dabbling into Viagra sales, but it wasn’t as lucrative.
“I forged the ‘script for him and sold him a stolen bottle of the stuff. That’s what he was caught with at the airport, unfortunately,” Crabtree explained. :Worse off, years of Oxy abuse riddled his dong, rendering it pretty much worthless, and even the Viagra was no good to him. Guess that explains why he never had kids? I don’t know. I reckon it maybe did.”
Crabtree’s future looks somewhat bleak, but even he can find a silver lining.
“I’ve been able to diversify recently. With President Trump moving permanently to Mar-A-Lago, I’ve weaseled my way into the Adderall game,” Crabtree announced. “I can’t complain. It’s very hit or miss with Donnie right now, but when I get that call from Don Jr, I know I’ll be eating good for a day or two.”
Ronald leans back in his recliner, takes a strong pull off a stale, American made cigar and looks up at the stained ceiling.
“You were like a father to me, Rush. An overweight, abusive, and racist father,” Crabtree paid tribute to his best client. “But you gave me all of this. And I will forever be grateful.”