BIG ROCK SMOKE, FLORIDA — MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell warned Democrats across the country last night that “something bigly” is coming that will “upend and destroy all their narratives about who so-called won the so-called election just because so-called votes were so-called counted.”
Despite earlier predictions not coming to fruition, last night Lindell told OAN’s Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec that he, Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell the rat-faced lawyer, and freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene have discovered a way to get Donald Trump put back in office. Though the Constitution contains no such mechanism, and despite losing more than five dozen separate lawsuits attempting to delegitimize the election, Lindell predicts that “hell and damnation” await every single Democrat in the country, and that they will “come to understand the pain of defeat” once Trump is restored to power. Lindell, a former crack head turned CEO, tried to convince the world that August would see Trump’s return to the Oval Office, however, with that month in the past, he’s turned his predictive powers to the future once more.
“November 45th, folks! Mark it down! Democrats better worry about what’s going down on Novtember 45th,” Lindell half shouted. “It will shake loose. The narrative will be smashed, and I dare say we will have our revenge! Not just for daring to defeat us with votes, but for Benghazi! For Roe V. Wade! For losing the Civil War!”
Lindell once more promised that it will be “quite a spectacle” when Trump returns to power. He will enter D.C. astride Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Then, Trump will dismount Nessie and have the ghost of Andrew Jackson administer the Oath of Royalty, with his tiny hand firmly planted on a Bible written in unicorn blood. Lindell says it will be a day “no American ever forgets.”
“November 45th, folks. It’s gonna happen this time. I just know it,” Lindell promised. “Why would my dealer lie to me as he was selling me more crack? Know what I mean? It’s time to trust me and this cavalcade of loser fuckwits know what we’re talking about, or this isn’t America anymore.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.