Lindsey Graham: “You Can’t Impeach Trump Until I Stop Blowing Him”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina may have, at some point, not been a huge fan of President Donald Trump. Those days, however, are long gone, and for the past year or more, Graham has been acting as one of Trump’s loudest and most outspoken defenders in the upper chamber of Congress.

Despite the fact that Graham, while competing against Trump for the 2016 Republican nomination and having a heaping amount of criticism for his values, morals, and general fitness for the duties of the presidency, the longtime friend of Trump foe Sen. John McCain has begun to lash out in the press at House Democrats. President Trump has repeatedly referred to his call with the newly elected Ukrainian president as “perfect,” despite there being ample evidence that he pushed Ukraine for an investigation into his political rivals. While Graham was an ardent supporter of impeaching Bill Clinton for lying about a consensual, personal sexual relationship with an adult intern, he has repeatedly defended Trump’s blatant attempt at a quid pro quo on numerous occasions.

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This morning, Graham was seen entering the rotunda and agreed to answer a few questions about the impeachment proceedings, which will move to live, televised hearings in open sessions this week. Graham lambasted the Democrats for “playing by rules Republicans agreed to during the Benghazi hearings.”

“First of all, how in the hell do these Democrats think they get to use our rules? Does that seem to fair to everyone else here, because it ain’t fair in my book, Lord have mercy,” Graham said, fanning himself like a southern belle. “I will not allow these out of control Democrats to just play by our own rules without whining hypocritically about it.”

At the heart of the matter, Graham says, is the timing of the Democrats.

“Now, I get it, I do. We Republicans established back in the 90’s that a president getting a blowjob is an impeachable offense,” Graham explained further. “But we at least waited until Ms. Lewinsky was finished. That’s how we were able to catch him in his lie! We couldn’t have caught him lying until we let Monica finish him off. So, ergo, that’s why I’m so pissed off the Democrats right now.”

Wiping sweat from his brow and a small tear from his right eye, Graham paused a moment to collect his emotional bearings. 

“The least these Dems could do is let ME finish Trump off,” Senator Graham said, barely holding back a full flood of tears. “You can’t impeach Trump until I stop blowing him! Period. End of sentence! That’s the long, and in this case extremely short of it. Again, if you’re gonna nail him for getting a blowie as president, I’m not a hypocrite, fair’s fair and we started that whole precedent. But a president’s gotta nut before you have the evidence you want. I do plan on saving my necktie, so maybe there’ll be a blue dress situation eventually, but there never will be until these lawless Democrats let me get all the fetid goo out of his miniscule member!”

Sen. Graham warned congressional Democrats about the “inevitable pendulum swing back the other way.” He insisted that “at some point the mouth will be on the other balls,” and Republicans will once again find themselves in the position they were in with Clinton, and that the Democrats find themselves in with President Trump. Graham foretold a future where “no amount of presidential fellatio” is allowed.

“If you walked into the Trump White House right now and told everyone to stop kissing Trump’s dick and stroking both his ego and his tiny little shpeparoo, you’d have an empty executive branch,” Graham explained. “No one likes having his dick sucked publicly than Donald Trump. So we gotta put a pin in all this blowie means impeachment stuff, fam. We really do. For the good of the land, but more importantly, for the good of the GOP.”

Graham ran off, still wiping tears from his face and doing jaw stretching exercises.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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