WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whatever happened between the 2016 presidential primary season and today, the end result is that Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has become one of President Donald Trump’s staunchest and loyal defenders. During the campaign, when Graham was vying for his party’s nomination against Trump, his criticisms of the alleged billionaire were pointed, and they contained many of the same phrases — like “racist” and “xenophobic” — that he now vehemently defends Trump against. Given Sen. Graham’s longtime friendship with one of Trump’s biggest political foes — the late Senator John McCain of Arizona — his turn toward Trump’s good graces is even more quizzical.
In a candid interview for Closeted Projection Cases Monthly, Senator Graham addressed the issue of why he’s Trump’s defender now, and even tried to quantify just the lengths — or lack of length — he’s will to go to in order to get Trump to like him.
“First and foremost, I am a politician. That means at the end of the day I can and will throw my mother literally under an actual bus if it means I get reelected,” Graham said. “When John died, I was left with the reality that I have an unlikable personality and need to glom onto someone whose coattails and more exciting persona I can ride to one more term. Given that our party is divided between racist, ignorant dummies and the cynical people who pretended they weren’t allying with them for decades, I made my choice, and I chose the former. The dumbs. I chose the dumbs.”
Graham explained that in South Carolina, Trump is just popular enough for him to take a calculated political risk and support him. Even though Graham famously said that if Trump was given the Republican nomination, he’d eventually destroy the party, he says now he realizes he wasn’t “speaking the Trumpian Truth.”
“And the Trumpian Truth is that tariffs are good, antifascists are the real fascists, China is a Chinese hoax, there was no collusion even though Bob Mueller literally said no one gets convicted of it because it’s not a legal term,” Graham explained, “and Donald Trump is a sane, rational, calm, presidential chap who isn’t racist and has a very normal set of genitals. Phew. That hurts the brain a bit when it’s coming out of your mouth, but once it’s out, it’s over, and so here we are.”
Sen. Graham divulged that Trump has “certain things he likes” Graham to do when they’re having their private sessions.
“He likes me to say the word obsequious while it’s in there,” Graham said, “but I can’t figure out why.”
In simple terms, Graham said his willingness to “suck up to” and “kiss the ring” of Trump comes down to “wanting people to like” him.
“I’m a politician! I need people to like me,” Graham said, “at least, you know, just enough people to elect me, anyway. And besides, the truth is I make him think I like him, and then maybe I can convince him to invade Greenland or something, you know?”
Senator Graham explained that it all comes down a bit of simple volumetric math.
“It’s less a matter of how big he is, and more a matter of how small my throat is,” Graham said. “As long as his member is so small, and my throat is so big, I don’t mind it that much, really. Sure, I wish I didn’t have to suck him off, but hey, my grift isn’t over yet. I don’t have any offers from lobbyist firms or think tanks. Once I do, you better believe I’m taking that shriveled thing out of my mouth and moving on with life.”
When asked, Senator Graham said he doesn’t think he has to worry about Trump turning on him, like he turns on so many others who worked with and for him.
“Well, the difference between them and me is that I literally have no shame, and they clearly had at least a scintilla of it,” Graham said, “but I think the equation is that as long as that floppy, veiny, freckled toadstool is grazing my uvula, he and I will be friends. So, I guess…as long as I, um, you know, never take the president’s dong out of my mouth, everything’s gonna be just fine.”
The interviewer said Graham sat there for ten minutes as the interview crew packed up. Then, he spoke, as if he’d had a true revelation.
“Oh. Shit. What have I done,” Graham asked. “What have I done? I need a mint julep, a popper, and to set for a spell, y’all. ”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”