DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA — In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison — married since August 2002 — said that their recent sexual activity with one another was going, according to Tabatha, “really, really well,” but then took a disastrous turn when “Mick got involved.”
“Everything was going pretty smoothly, really, until Mick got involved,” Tabatha told Couples Weekly. “I was pretty much right there, on the edge, if you know what I mean, and then Mick started to do his thing, and um, it all fell apart from there.”
Ultimately, their Thursday night attempt at sexual intercourse left Tabitha frustrated and Mick embarrassed, but both say they’re still committed to making things work in that department.
“Honestly, I kind of felt like I was going to screw something up if I got involved,” Mick told us. “I’ve just never had that much confidence in my skills, as a lover, I mean. As a mechanic, I feel extremely confident in my ability to change my wife’s spark plugs, rotate her tires, you name it. Making my wife cum? That’s a wholly separate issue.”
Mick says he’s “always a little timid” about sex with Tabitha, as she’s made it abundantly clear he “has a lot to work on.” However, he also says that she never makes him feel too badly about his shortcomings. Instead, Mick says Tabitha is “very encouraging” and seems to think he’ll get it, eventually.
“He’s my husband, and I love him. Of course he turns me on. Of course he gets me really sexually excited,” Tabitha told us. “He just, you know, has some places in his game that could use improvement. Great with his hands, he’s really great with his hands. Really all the foreplay stuff he’s coming along quite nicely with. It’s the actual fucking part that I think he needs to elevate his game on.”
Mick doesn’t deny that at all. In fact, he’s gone so far as to tape his sexual activity with Tabitha, like a professional athlete might film their batting practice or field goal kicking exercises. Mick says he believes “going to the tape” has already revealed to him many places where he can improve, sexually speaking.
“It turns out, I’m pretty much doing everything wrong if it involves my genitals and her’s mingling in any way, shape, or form,” Mick said. “When you look at the tape, it makes me look really uncoordinated and clumsy, which I am. So it makes sense that I’d fuck sex all up when the time comes.”
The Garrisons say that they’re still very much so committed to each other. They won’t let something like less than fully satisfying sexual intercourse take a toll on their marriage, they told us. Instead, they plan to “keep trying” until one or both of them die.
“Our vows expressly said ’til death do we part,'” Tabitha said. “So come hell or high water, orgasm or no, good sex or bad sex, I’m in this thing for the long haul. Besides, that’s what ecstasy and dildos are for. Duh.”
Like what you read? Consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.