North Bloomfield, CA — In what his friends are calling a remarkable change of events, local malcontent and self-proclaimed dickhead Don Vaca has announced that he is giving up his old dickhead ways for a new and reborn dickhead life with Jesus, using the life-changing P45-Lift/6 VitaShake program.
“Don used to be such a dick,” commented neighbor Jim Malendez. “He was always coming over here and asking things like, ‘How about this heat?’ and ‘Is your wife home?'”
Across Nevada County, as well as the rest of America, dickheads are transforming their lives by discovering the joys and prosperity that Jesus and multi-level marketing provides.
“I’ve changed my life. It’s like I’m a new person,” an exuberant Mr. Vaca told Not Really The News. “Ever since my mentors got me involved as a distributor of the life-changing P45-Lift/6 Shake Program, everything is different. Their beautiful Faith and Prosperity is what life is all about.”
Elizabeth Potheller of nearby Grass Valley has a different opinion.
“Look, he’s just traded one dickhead practice for another. He came to my door the other day, and instead of insulting me like he normally does, he starts this bullshit mumbo-jumbo about how Jesus and the P45-Lift/6 will help me realize success in life.”
Prosperity Theology, or the Prosperity Gospel as it’s referred to by practitioners, is a branch of Christianity doctrine that tells its followers that financial blessings are the will of God for Christians, and that faith, positive speech, and donations to Christian ministries will always increase one’s material wealth. Based on arguable and non-traditional interpretations of the Bible, often with emphasis on the Book of Malachi, the doctrine views the Bible as a contract between God and humans: if humans have faith in God, he will deliver his promises of security and prosperity. It also allows modern, wealthy Christians to feel persecuted due to the justified increase in criticism and charges of hypocrisy that they receive.
“Everything is looking up,” said Mr. Vaca. “I’m on track to meet my quota this month a few days earlier than last month. I did have one setback when I got into a fight with the unbelievers at Grocery Outlet the other day. And the manager told me not to sell in front of store anymore. Not cool. But no matter, life is a beautiful gift from a prosperous God. And he has us covered in the afterlife just as sweetly. It’s raining drachmas, if you catch my drift.”