VIEJA BLANCA, CALIFORNIA — 59 year old Karen Boomerton was so alarmed by what she saw when she looked out her front window this morning that she called the cops right away.
Eighteen young “AntiFa hooligans,” as described by Ms. Boomerton herself, were congregating in the park across the street from her home, which rests in a small mountain town in Southern California. Karen was convinced that she was watching gang activity in progress because all of the young millennials she reported seeing were carrying clubs and some were even swinging them around. She did a quick count and found that there eighteen Antifas invading the park.
“You could tell they were up to no good because a) they were young and young people are inherently liars,” Karen told us in a Skype interview, “and b) because they were moving around so much. It made me wonder what they were trying to hide with their athleticism.”
Karen noticed that the Antifas were “wearing their gang colors,” but she noticed something unexpected about it.
“They weren’t all wearing the same colors or insignias! I started thinking maybe I was watching rival Antifa millennials in some kind of safe space turf war,” Karen explained. “I saw them hurling objects at each other like I’ve seen them throw trash cans through innocent windows before! It looked like some kind of scripted chaos out there, from what I could tell.”
Initially, Ms. Boomerton says she wasn’t sure she was seeing AntiFa in her own park. However, then she remembered seeing on her cable news station of choice that AntiFa are everywhere, and literally invading every street in every city in America. She was convinced after noticing that all of the AntiFa in the park were wearing “those weird wireless headphone thingies.”
“Antifa are everywhere! Under our beds, and in our parks,” Karen shouted. “Everywhere!”
Needless to say, Karen was so frightened by the AntiFas in the park that she says she was “absolutely devastated” an hour later when the police showed up and no arrests were made.
“They just rolled up, took a look at what was going on, asked the kids some questions, and drove away,” Karen reported with anger in her voice. “They didn’t slam a single one of those bastards on the ground! They didn’t even stop and frisk any of them, and at least three of them were black! What in the heck is going on in this country anymore?”
In fact, Karen is considering showing up at the next city council meeting to specifically bring up both the AntiFa invasion of her park, and the response she got from the local police.
“You know what the crazy part in all of this is,” Karen asked rhetorically. “They cited ME for calling 9-1-1 for no reason, and now I have to pay a $200 fine! They told me that I wasted the taxpayers’ time and made it so that the cops who showed up to check out my report couldn’t stop an actual crime taking place. Pffft. Guess I’ll go rip all my Back the Blue stickers off my Escalade now.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.