LA VALLE SIN ROPA, CALIFORNIA — Nate Robertson is a 45 year old self-described “perv” whose biggest thrill in life is watching you take a shower. The key, he says, is you not knowing he’s watching you take a shower. Robertson estimates that before the coronavirus outbreak, he spied on at least six to eight people in their showers every single day. But over the last few days, Nate’s been getting antsy because he’s been abiding by his mayor’s request that his town hunker down and self-quarantine for a few days.
“I guess at the end of the day, I need weigh the pros and cons, and look at the odds of me catching the coronavirus,” Nate told us in a Skype interview today, “but it’s really killing me not seeing you in the shower. Some folks need their jolt of java in the morning, and I know few guys from my partyin’ days that still need a nice good bump of coke to rev their engines, and my brain is no different; it needs a chemical jump-start. It’s just that my brain chemicals start to buzz when I know I’m watching someone in the shower who has no clue I’m watching them.”
Nate knows at his age and without any major underlying health problems, even if he were to contact the virus, he’d likely make a full recovery. But he also has friends, neighbors, and family members that are older than he is, and doesn’t want to put their lives in danger. However, all things being equal, Robertson doesn’t want to “miss a chance to see some naked ass.”
“What can I say? Ever since I watched the shower scene in Porky’s I’ve been a little obsessed with spying on people showering,” Nate divulged. “I don’t have any real preferences. Short, tall, skinny, less than skinny, male, female. Whatever. I just wanna see some naked ass, and I really hate the idea that because of this stupid virus, I might miss a chance to see some naked ass.”
Robertson, an out of work amateur rum distiller, says that he “doesn’t mean to creep you out” when he’s watching your naked body, lathered up and wet. He just has an impulse to see your naked ass, and despite thousands of dollars in therapy, numerous court orders, and a taxpayer funded retreat and an exclusive timeshare resort under maximum security for half a decade, he cannot and will not, frankly, resist the urge to spy on you as you take your shower.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I really am, but sometimes you just have to strike while the naked iron is hot,” Nate explained. “Opportunities like this don’t come around all that often in life. I don’t even jerk off while I watch you. I just…watch. Sometimes I take notes. Sometimes I do a vlog entry afterward. But I don’t do anything gross. I just like to see what you look like without your clothes on. No big whoop, really.”
Don’t bother trying to change up when you take your shower in an effort to “throw [him] off” his routine, Nate says.
“I don’t really care what time of day you take your shower. I plan to be there,” Nate promised. “It’s just my thing. It’s my jam. It’s what I do. So, you take your shower whenever you want to. Quarantine or not, I’m gonna be there, watching. Always. Watching.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.