GODRIC’S HOLLOW, LONDON, UK, THE WIZARDING WORLD — While it’s unclear at this time if it will have any effect whatsoever, a local witch announced today that she undertook an endeavor to cast a curse on Harry Potter author JK Rowling.
“Today I woke up and decided that something absolutely had to be done. I used to think that Ms. Rowling was a net-positive for witches and wizards,” Broomhilda White told The Daily Prophet in an interview earlier this afternoon. “But she’s going to give us all a bad reputation as transphobic assholes if she doesn’t shut her cauldron hole up, right quick, to boot!”
Broomhilda said she cast “the most powerful shutting up curse” she’s ever learned. In her 62 years of life, Broomhilda has never used the “ShutTheFuckUpicus Totallus” curse, because she says she’s never had the need to. When she was taught the spell, she was told by her Hogwarts instructor that it should only be used when it’s “absolutely necessary” to “put a metaphorical muzzle on some idiot or another.”
“The way my professor told me, is that this spell was written to help keep wizards and witches from blabbing to Muggles about our world,” White said. “It permanently shuts the fuck up anyone who it’s cast on. It’s a spell that can be reversed, but it’s not easy to pull off, so it should only be used in the most dire of circumstances.”
White said that the decision to shut Rowling up permanently was not one she made easily. At first, when Rowling started tweeting things that seemed to approve of discriminating against transgender women, Broomhilda said she was “shocked and taken aback” but was sure she wasn’t understanding Rowling’s point of view, and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps Rowling, who wrote a book about children learning not to judge others by characteristics like their skin color or who their parents were, was accidentally casting aspersions on the trans community.
“But the tweets and the defensive, opining, whining missives on her websites didn’t stop,” Broomhilda said. “She kept digging her heels into the deeper transphobic hole she dug with every obstinate insistence she was in the right and defending all women.”
The final straw, Broomhilda said, was when she found out Rowling’s new book is about a cisgender man who dresses as a woman and then kills his victims.
“I mean, for fucks’ sake, she’s not even trying to hide her contempt for transgender people with this new book,” Broomhilda said. “She of all people knows the power of imagery and the written word, and here she is making the same hamfisted comparisons and using the same old tropes as people from previous generations, which I would’ve thought she was above and evolved beyond.”
The ShutTheFuckUpicus Totallus is used so rarely that Broomhilda’s not even sure she’s cast it correctly. Even though she can’t and won’t know for certain if the curse worked, she still feels like she “did the right thing” in trying to cast it on Rowling. Broomhilda says she knows “plenty of trans wizards and witches” who were offended and devastated by Rowling’s newfound bigotry against them.
“The way I see it,” Broomhilda told us, “I’ve tried to cast plenty spells that didn’t up working, or didn’t work as strongly as I’d hoped. So I didn’t see much harm in giving ShutTheFuckUpicus Totallus a try. God knows she’s doing more harm than good with her words these days, so I figured it was worth a shot, one way or the other.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.