Low IQ Man Can’t Handle The Hectic Pace of California

A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.
A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.

Twin Falls, ID — Former California resident Harley Barton gave up on his golden state dreams and moved his family to Twin Falls, Idaho late last year. Citing the cost of living and the ‘flatlanders’ moving around his Yreka home from the San Francisco Bay Area, he said that he had enough.

“I may not be the smartest man around, but I can smell the tea leaves shaking on a tree,” said Mr. Barton expressing himself in a malapropism. “All these liberals and their college-talking loudmouths are taking over the state. When my grandparents moved here, it was a great place. My grandpa built the Shasta Dam with his own bare hands. Now, we can’t afford to live here unless I do a computer thing.”




As a third generation Californian, Mr. Barton was the son of a logger and his grandfather was a welder. He owned a stump grinding business, however business was slow.

“They need tree cutters, not stump grinders,” continued Mr. Barton. “PG&E has tree work, just not the kind I do. I bet if I was Mexican I’d have free food and rent.”

Now that the cost of living has gone up, and the fact that Mr. Barton isn’t interested in going back to school or learning a new trade. He says he had no choice to move away from what he calls “Commiefornia.”

The Mexicans and the Socialists Cometh

“The socialists have ruined everything with their good jobs, their welfare and how they love illegals [undocumented workers]. They’re even letting them vote now. How can I compete with people who get things free and get to vote? Soon there will be no white people south of Red Bluff. That’s why we’re here in Idaho now. I just tell everyone I’m Mormon, and I get all kinds of work.”




In November of 2016, San Francisco Voters approved Measure N by a 54% to 45% vote, which granted undocumented workers the right to vote for school board elections only. Because of a coordinated disinformation campaign by largely right-wing media outlets, many assumed this ‘right’ spread not only to the rest of the State, but also became a core part of the Democratic Party platform. It hasn’t. Also, undocumented workers are not eligible for benefits.

As for Mr. Barton, he says he and his family feel more at home in Idaho.

“The people here value my work and my heritage. My family doesn’t have to worry any more about that San Francisco crap taking over because them commies aren’t welcome here. For now, we’re safe. It’s cheap and they have a lot of Wendy’s here.”

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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