Lung Cancer shocked the carcinogenic community today when it revealed what it called a “truly devastating diagnosis.” At a press conference earlier today, Lung Cancer announced that it had recently been diagnosed with Advanced Rush Limbaugh. Fighting back tears, Lung Cancer described how it came to be diagnosed with one of the most hated and toxic humans in the history of the species.
“I hadn’t been feeling all that well, and I had this persistent cough,” Lung Cancer explained. “One day, I coughed up this big, loud, ugly mass that just screaming about welfare queens, and I swear it was trying to suck its own dick for about three hours each day for a week. My friends and fellow cancers convinced me it was time to see a doctor when the mass started talking about how its talent was on loan from God. That’s crazy talk, and they said I had to get it checked out.”
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After running a battery of tests, cancer doctors — doctors whose patients are cancer, and not doctors who try to remove cancers from patients — confirmed the worst: he had Advanced Rush Limbaugh.
“They said I had a 69 year old man baby named Rush Limbaugh, and that the prognosis for recovery wasn’t that good,” Lung Cancer said. “This is the kind of thing we cancers fear the most. Imagine having to spend all that time attached to someone so toxic and vile as him. We all figured he’d pick up one of us eventually, but I think given where most of his thoughts and ideas come from, we planned on it being our pal Colorectal Cancer, maybe even Prostate Cancer. Hell, he’s such a dick some of us thought maybe testicular or penile cancer would do him in. But no, I’m the one who pulled the shortest straw.”
Lung Cancer admits that it hasn’t been “overly nice to a lot of people,” but it maintains that “no one deserves such a horrific fate” as being diagnosed with Rush Limbaugh.
“Ugh. I stopped listening to talk radio like twenty years ago because of that loudmouthed fuck,” Lung Cancer complained, “and now I’m gonna spend God knows how long attached to him. I’m gonna have to hear him whether I want to or not, and I spent the last couple decades treating him like he was the plague! Which is really sad because I know the plage, and Bobby Bubons isn’t that bad, really. Not as bad as Rush is, anyway.”
Being attached to Limbaugh does have its benefits, Lung Cancer admitted.
“The fact of the matter is, I’m not usually someone who gets a lot of empathy out of people,” Lung Cancer said. “But when you’re diagnosed with a guy less popular than rectal warts, and who has spent his entire professional career convincing people not to have empathy for the old, poor, and sick, even Lung Cancer looks better compared to that fuckin’ guy. This is a guy who made fun of AIDS victims and Michael J. Fox, so I think people will be having some major schadenfreude over this.”
Lung Cancer was initially quite confused by the diagnosis, he divulged.
“I looked at the doctor and asked him, ‘Isn’t Limbaugh dead already,'” Lung Cancer admitted, “but he told me, ‘Only from the neck up, I’m afraid.””
Limbaugh is an enormously wealthy individual, and it’s possible he has access to healthcare that could prolong his life, or even help relocate Lung Cancer from his body, though that all depends on how early doctors were able to detect Lung Cancer has Limbaugh.
“I mean, I’m sure it’s possible with the money he has, he can get healthcare that he’s been raging against poor people having for decades,” Lung Cancer admitted, “but I’m not about to hang my hopes on that. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion Rush and I are gonna be together until the bitter end. Just great. I don’t know what I did to do deserve this, but I wish I could take it all back right now.”
The National Institute of Medicinal Medicine has issued the following warning signs that you or someone you love may be infected with Rush Limbaugh:
- Sudden hyperbolic hubris
- Inability to admit you — or they — are wrong about anything
- Hatred of immigrants
- Early onset demeaning of poor people
- Shitty thoughts spewed at a high volume over several decades
If you think you might have Rush Limbaugh, seek medical attention immediately.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.