Friday, March 31, 2023

Madison Cawthorn Grows Spine, Walks Out on Wife

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Claiming irreconcilable differences, North Carolina Congressman Madison Cawthorn, after 8 months of marriage, according to a press release from his office, has “found the courage to walk out on his wife.” Cawthorn claimed that working a full time job was too hard for him to focus on being married.

“Between tweeting about family values such as marriage at a young age, researching what a pronoun is to troll libs, and dodging a forthcoming investigation into my role in January 6th, I found it necessary to spare my beloved wife the spotlight that comes with being an attention whore.”

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The news came as a surprise to many GOP colleagues, who looked at Cawthorn as being the next Conservative icon.

“I wouldn’t want to be walking in his shoes right now”, said an unidentified staffer.  “It’s just time for him to stand up, and push forward…lift himself up by his bootstraps…”

Cawthorn was unavailable for comment.  Staffers from Not Really News were present at Cawthorns residence early this morning to get a statement, however, upon seeing people walking in and out of his house, they determined he couldn’t have been there.

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