WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has issued a direct order to the Justice Department, demanding that the FBI “find, arrest, and prosecute for treason” James Madison. Mr. Trump is accusing Madison of being the “mastermind” behind an attempted coup on his presidency.
“The way I see it, impeachment is a coup. It’s absolutely a coup. They dress it up to look like some so-called constitutional process, but it’s a coup! Because, first of off, how dare anyone try to hold me accountable? No matter how obviously corrupt, transparently inept, and self-evidently unfit I am for office,” Trump shouted at reporters while pacing around the White House lawn, “They’re only trying to do this to me because they want to coup me. They’re always trying to coup me! And they’re getting away with it because of that a-hole Madison putting impeachment in the Constitution!”
As he waited for a helicopter to be readied so he could be taken to a local McDonald’s for a Big Mac, 20 piece Chicken McNugget, Quarter Pounder, Filet O’Fish, and large chocolate shake for his routine “power breakfast,” Trump railed against what he sees as a “treasonous pre-coup” on his presidency, plotted entirely by Madison. Trump said it’s “not relevant at all” that Madison died over a hundred years before he was born, and almost 200 years before he took office. The president insists that “some wild eyed crazy Democrat” must have invented time travel specifically to go back in time and convince Madison to write the impeachment process into the Constitution.
“I know time travel exists because this really old man version of me once gave me a Sports Almond or whatever,” Trump said. “He said I could win every bet I ever put on any sports event. But I lost the book, and tried to wing it, you know, like I’m winging this presidency? Anyway, I lost all those bets, but Daddy kept giving me money, so no big whoop. Point is, someone else obviously had a flying DeLorean and got Madison to makeup impeachment, which again, is really just a coup against your favorite president with an approval rating under 40%.”
Mr. Trump said that impeachment isn’t the only “direct attack” on his presidency contained within the text of the “vicious, mean, Bob Mueller Angry Democrat Crooked Hillary Squad Constitution,” and he intends to make the American people aware of it.
“I’m convinced that this coequal branch nonsense was only put in there because of me. Sure, they’ll let that uppity urban Obama go and do whatever he wants, like taking In God We Trust off our coins, and taking away all your guns. Notice how you don’t have any guns anymore, fam,” Trump asked rhetorically. “He also of course built all those forced gay marriage FEMA camps with the Jade Helm squad. Don Jr. told me about this stuff, so even though there was never any evidence of all these things found by any of the investigations Trey Gowdy and Darrell Issa led, we know they’re all totally true and very real.”
Trump says he has “other doubts about how legit impeachment is.”
“Like, does it sound like a fake word to anyone else besides me,” Trump asked. “Immmm-peeee-ch-munt. Weird. Dumb. Although, I like that middle pee part a lot.”
In recent days and weeks, since Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced that she and her fellow Democrats were beginning a formal impeachment investigation into President Trump, he has lashed out repeatedly at her, Adam Schiff — Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee that is one of three committees leading the investigations — and just about anybody and everybody who comes out in support of the impeachment. Trump has repeatedly assailed the investigation as “unfair” and has been particularly irate that Schiff paraphrased a memo of a transcript of the call between Trump and the new President of Ukraine that helped touch off the entire scandal that is threatening the Trump presidency.
“I hereby order James Madison and Adam Schiff rounded up and tried for treason. Clearly they are plotting together to coup me. No one coups me,” Trump said. “I mean, c’mon, if anything mine are low crimes and misdemeanors! Just a couple of little low crimes! Get over it!”
President Trump has threatened to also sue the Constitution and the Founders who signed it, as well.
“How dare they? Just who do they think they are? I never gave him permission to write the damn Constitution, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s illegal! I won that election kinda fair and mostly square,” Trump said. “It’s obviously some sinister, 250 year old plot to end my perfect presidency!”
Mr. Madison could not be reached for comment. Should Trump’s plan to arrest Maddison come to fruition, historians are saying it would be the first time a former president was brought up on such serious charges. Apparently, Trump has also asked his advisers about the possibility of “counter-impeaching” Madison.
Reportedly, after the FBI declined to pursue his arrest, the president put his sons on the case. Donald Jr and Eric were last spotted sleuthing around Washington, D.C. in Sherlock Holmes hats, asking anyone they could if they’d seen Madison recently.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.