COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing YouTube star, podcaster, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins says he has “had up to here” with having to dial-1 to speak to an English speaking operator, and he plans to “do something” about it.
“You know, the other day I called my banking institution, and by my banking institution I mean my sister-cousin Lurleen,” Bohiggins told his audience today. “And she told me about how she’d just gotten off the phone with her health insurance company, and she’d had to wait an entire five extra seconds to speak to someone because she had to wait to be told to press one for English! What the holy hell is that about, fam?!”
Jethro packed a bit of Skoal into his lip and continued.
“I told Lurleen that was total bullshit that they made her have to wait those five seconds to speak American in America,” Bohiggins said. “I mean, Jesus, life is short, libtards. Ya can’t go making us have to spend five seconds we don’t even know if we have to live — on account of the diabetus that Michelle Obama forced us to get in retaliation for begging our kids to play outside for an hour every day — to press a button to talk in our native tongue! That’s tyranny if I ever heard it, and it makes me feel so damn grateful to live in the best goddamn country on this motherfuckin’ God’s green cocksucking earth, fam!”
As far as he sees it, Jethro believes that having to dial any number to speak to an English speaker is “all part of George Soros’ billion dollar silent invasion from the South” that includes “hiring illegal Mexicans and/or Mexicanish people” to cross the border without documentation, and “buying and building hundreds of Taco Bells” in America.
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“Folks, I don’t even know why this is up for discussion, if I’m being completely frank and honest with you,” Jethro intoned, “Immigrants coming here to assimilate to our way of life and they have to speak our language. You really think freedom of speech includes speaking any language you want? Gimme a break, libtards! The Constitution was written in American, and that’s why only American is considered free speech, y’all.”
Gripping his bible tight, Bohiggins said it contained “direct word from God his-self” that dialing “1” to speak English is a “sin against Jesus Christ’s beautiful face and everything he lived and died for.”
“You wanna be the one to slap Christ in the face and tell me I have to dial 1 for English and to just ‘suck it up’ and get over it? Hell no, libtards,” Bohiggins said to no liberal in particular. “It’s more betterer to not be having to dial 1 to talk American, and you can’t change my mind, so quit tryin’ because that’s what America is all about — holding fast to your opinions no matter how ignorant, racist, shortsighted, or selfish, for as long as you human can! CHECKMATE! CHEMTRAIL, LIBTARDS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”