MIERDALIQUIDA VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A grocery store on Main Street has reported that one man, 52-year old Lance Borestein, just left their parking lot after having purchased every single can of chili and package of toilet paper on their shelves and in their stockroom. Reportedly, Mr. Borestein told the woman checking him out at the register that he was “stocking up on supplies” he’d need to wait out a quarantine for the coronavirus. Though he said he hasn’t been diagnosed with it himself, he didn’t want to be caught with his “pants down” should local or state authorities to quarantine entire communities of people.
“I love me canned chili, and so frankly it’d be kind of a treat to be holed up in my home with nothing but that to survive a quarantine on,” Lance was overheard telling the checkout clerk, “and I’m no super mutant, so eating that much chili will do one thing and one thing only to my bowels. Hence all this TP. It’s for my bunghole. The TP is for my bunghole.”
Mr. Borestein has not been tested for coronavirus himself, however he also is asymptomatic. The reason he decided to stockpile large amounts of chili and toilet paper, however, was on the chance that local, state, or federal officials would quarantine his entire neighborhood, county, or even the state itself. Lance didn’t want to be stuck at home with not much to eat, and he loves canned chili. He decided that if he was going to be asked to stay in his home for a few weeks, he needed enough chili to last through the quarantine period.
“I love me some canned chili. I don’t know, I just always have. Doesn’t really matter which brand,” Lance told the checkout clerk. “It doesn’t even matter whether it’s chili con carne, with beans, without beans, whatever’s your pleasure. I just know that if it comes in a can and they call it ‘chili,’ I’m gonna wanna heat up a nice big pot of it, eat it all, and then open up a second can, heat it up, and open it. Then, at the end of the night, when I take my massive chili shit, I get this really great feeling, deep down in my bones, and also in my rectum.”
That “end of the day chili shit,” as Borestein referred to it, is precisely why he decided he needed a massive supply of toilet paper for the quarantine period as well.
“I’m not stupid. I know that if you’re going to subsist off chili for a couple weeks that you’re gonna blow a hole in your butthole a mile wide and six miles deep,” Borestein said as the clerk scanned can after can of chili. “So, that’s why I decided to buy your entire stock of toilet paper. I have a working shower, of course, but if the whole city shuts down, will that mean the water company will too? And if it does, what if I lose running water? I won’t be able to butt-douche in the shower then, so I’ll need the TP.”
Borestein had a thought, just then.
“Of course, if I lose running water in the house, I won’t be able to flush, so I’ll need to go to Home Depot next and buy a new shovel,” Borestein said, “to dig a shittin’ hole, you see. Then I can bury my shit, and the TP I use to wipe with, in the backyard.”
The clerk just smiled, stifling the urge to gag, and finished ringing Lance up. He paid the bill, and spent the next twenty minutes in the parking lot, loading up box after box of canned chili and untold hundreds of rolls of toilet paper into his truck. Lance drove off, headed to Home Depot for his shit hole digging shovel.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.