Sunday, November 27, 2022

Man Falls Off Forest Hill Bridge After Accidentally Shooting Himself While on Heroin

Sacramento, CA — A Mokelumne Hill man is in critical but stable condition after falling from the Forest Hill bridge in what appears to be a failed suicide attempt. Robert Allen was checked into UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento with gun wounds he sustained while under the influence of heroin earlier this week.

According to a police report filed by the Placer County Sheriff, Mr. Allen, 38, became distraught after an undisclosed domestic dispute with his long-time girlfriend. Deciding to take his own life, he apparently decided to end his own life by overdosing on heroin parked at the scenic overlook at the country’s tallest bridge.

Unfortunately for him, while making his way across the bridge after taking a non-lethal does of the opiate, Mr. Allen accidentally shot himself in the foot with a small hand gun, and tumbled over the side of the 730 foot bridge.

As luck would have it for the unusually unlucky Mr. Allen, someone had dumped a rather large stack of memory foam mattresses at the bottom of the ravine softening his landing. The failed suicide victim broke a few bones and suffered a moderate concussion.

Two Homeless Men Witness His Tumble

Two homeless men who were camped under the bridge saw Mr. Allen tumble from the bridge and alerted authorities that a man had landed on a stack of Tempurpedic mattresses.

“Me and Jake were having a smoke between storms,” said homeless man Harry “Herb” Sepulveda describing the events of the day. “We heard this gun shot and then someone shouted ‘god damn it’ from the bridge. Next thing we knew this fella was falling. Jake was like, ‘oh shit, another one.’ I coulda swore the guys was swearing all the way down.”

“Yeah, that lucky bastard his the only pile of mattresses on the American River,” said fellow homeless man Jake Lamotta. “We just kind of sat there for a few seconds just staring at him on the mattresses. I went up to flag a car, and Herb went down to see if he was OK.”

Placer County Search and Rescue aided by Reach Helicopter services were able to extract Mr. Allen, who was conscious and “swearing like a sailor” according to paramedics, and transport him to UC Davis.

“That’s just like me,” Mr. Allen said from his hospital bed, covered in bandages. “I couldn’t even kill myself the right way. I screwed that up. But since I survived, I don’t want to die anymore. That was a mistake, for sure. Beth [his since estranged girlfriend] and I have made up and we’re all good now. So things work out, you know?”

The Tempurpedic mattress company could not be reached for comment.

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue, and seldom loses. Mostly because he's well informed. And somewhat gassy
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