Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Man Says He Would Not Have Pissed on McConnell Had He ‘Known Mitch Was On Fire’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, both Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) is, according to medical professionals on site “stable and doing as well as can be expected” after spontaneously combusting. Reports are that, Darrell Dikchest, a 41 year old man from the D.C. area, has also been released from custody after authorities apprehended him while he was urinating on McConnell.

“Mr. Dikchest has been released on his own recognizance,” Lt. Sonny Bonds of the D.C. Metro Police told us. “It’s for the DA to decide, of course, but I think he’s got a pretty strong defense, given that it’s not usually against the law to urinate into a toilet. The law gets a little grayer when the toilet in question is also a human, and grayer still when that human is an elected member of Congress. That’s for the courts to sort out, though.”

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Dikchest agreed to an interview, with his attorney present, via Zoom. We asked him about what happened, and he provided some details.

“Well, my lawyer tells me we’ll get into all of this in more detail in court,” Dikchest said, “but basically I had to piss, I saw Mitch McConnell there, and I pissed on him. At the same time, I smelled what I thought was fresh turtle soup. As I was pissing all over Mitch’s leg, it hit me that it was actually him that was on fire. So of course I immediately stopped pissing on him.”

Darrell told us that he never would have even started urinating on McConnell if he had known he was on fire.

“I thought I was just going to do something worthy of a Medal of Honor or something,” Darrell explained, “not inadvertently save Darth Fuckface’s life! I would like to take this chance now to say sorry to the American people. I really hope my piss wasn’t what made the difference at the end of the day.”

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This is a developing story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.