Monday, June 14, 2021

Manchin: “We Should Find Common Ground With Terrorists Who Think We’re Pedophile Vampires”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, alleged Democrat Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia threw cold water on his party’s attempt to pass the most sweeping voting reforms this country has seen in generations. Not only is he against ending or modifying the filibuster to help shepherd parts of a progressive agenda through Congress and onto President Joe Biden’s desk for signing — he won’t vote for the For the People Act even if his party somehow convinced a handful of Republicans to let them put a vote on the floor.

In an interview on Fox News, Manchin defended his rationale and offered viewers some more insights into his line of thought.

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“I would love to help my party secure our democratic form of self-governance for generations to come, but I frankly have two overriding concerns that they need to address,” Manchin explained. “For starters, what’s in it for me? Like, what do I personally have to gain if I help make sure that Republicans aren’t allowed to dictate election outcomes instead of accept them? I gotta get a piece of the action SOMEHOW, don’t I?”

Manchin indicated, though, that his biggest concern about the For the People Act is that he doesn’t feel it is bipartisan enough. He said that he thinks his party is “making a huge mistake” and is “missing a chance to come together” with Republicans.

“We are at a very volatile time in our country’s history, and rather than help make sure we can keep electing people the way we want to, I think it’s far more important for me to scold my own party,” Manchin explained. “After all, we should find common ground with people who think we’re pedophile vampires. We should unite with people who literally believe we steal elections despite them not winning the popular vote a single time in nearly fifteen years, and only once in the last thirty.”

Sen. Manchin defended the pro-Trump mob that attacked the capitol and might have tried to kill him if they’d found him.

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“Who among us hasn’t been so upset about losing a competition that we tried execute people,” Manchin asked. “Let’s not look down our nose at domestic terrorists; let’s find ways to unite.”

Sen. Manchin vowed to not support any measure that doesn’t “have the respect and support if good, hard working American insurrectionists.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m from a more rural state. Maybe it’s because I’m a rock-headed fuckwit,” Manchin supposed. “I just think we should continue acting in good faith while right-wing religious extremists shred every democratic institution we hold dear. If you don’t like that, well, maybe I’m not the Democrat, or the pseudo-Republican you thought I am.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.