Thursday, June 8, 2023

In The Interest of Bipartisanship, Manchin Supports McConnell Blocking Biden’s SCOTUS Nominees

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Surprising literally no one, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) told reporters today that if the Republicans retake control of the Senate in next year’s midterms, he will block any Supreme Court nominees put forth by President Joe Biden. McConnell infamously kept Biden’s former boss, President Barack Obama (D-Kenya) from filling the vacancy left when Justice Antonin Scalia died, but helped rush Justice Amy Covid Barrett onto the bench after Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed, both of which happened during election years.

The surprising turn of events in this story is that McConnell has already gotten bipartisan support for his hypothetical plan to keep Biden from exercising the power expressly granted to him by the U.S. Constitution.


“Look, everybody knows that there’s one thing I’m interested in, and that’s bipartisanship,” Sen. Majority Resistance Leader Joe Manchin (D?-WV) told reporters when asked if he’d support McConnell blocking Biden’s SCOTUS nominations. “Even if one party is literally and figuratively trying to dismantle our democracy, and subjugate the majority of the country to the whims of a shrinking, right-wing religious extremist minority of the populace. Nothing is more important to me than looking like I care about being fair to both sides of the aisle.”

McConnell thanked Manchin by name during a speech on the Senate floor this morning.

“I want to say a particular thank you to my friend, the Republican in Democratic clothing, Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia,” McConnell said, fighting back the emotions he was feeling. “In order to dismantle the institutions that protect us from the exact kinds of tyranny that we Republicans have accused Democrats of instituting for decades, it takes the efforts of not just the cartoon villains among us, such as myself, but also of idiotic marks — people too stupid or too selfish and cynical to do anything except enable the rest of us to do horrible stuff. I love you, Joe!”

McConnell blew Manchin a kiss. Manchin pantomimed receiving the kiss and putting it in his jacket pocket. McConnell gave Manchin a wink.

“Joe Manchin understands how necessary it is to let one party control the other, in the name of bipartisanship,” McConnell concluded, “and I think the Republican Party would be a lot better off with more Democrats like Joe Manchin in the Senate.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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