Doesn’t it seem like some women are just going to accuse you of being sexist no matter how much you sit a woman down, speak slowly, and give physical cues that you’re pretending to care what they think about what you’re saying that some women will still go off half-cocked and accuse you of being a sexist?
It seems like we men spend at least 35-50% of our time explaining to women why we’re not sexist, just because we live our lives from a standpoint of cultural assumptions that men have a dominant role over females, in general. And that’s just way too much time spent on explaining stuff. Maybe the problem is that we haven’t told women in our own, manly words, why they should stop accusing us of being sexist. Perhaps if we could just explain, like a man, to them why they’re so obviously wrong and we’re, by default, right, that would fix everything that is broken in society right now.
We all know that what the world really needs is for women to take a breather from all the demanding equitable treatment and human rights and get themselves into the kitchen to make us dinner.
But how? How do you mansplain to your woman how vitally important it is for her to take a backseat to you, your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, and every wont and whim? Well, we have five suggestions for you in that arena, and we think you’ll agree this is just the kind of information you need.
5 Ways To Mansplain To Your Woman Why She Shouldn’t Accuse You Of Being Sexist And Make Dinner Instead
#1. If Women Were Supposed To Be Equal, God Wouldn’t Have Had To Steal Adam’s Rib To Make Eve
The whole man/woman thing started off on the wrong foot if ladies wanted real equality. We men are always starting at a deficit, because God took one Adam’s rib to make Eve. Isn’t man entitled to a little rib compensation? And maybe you don’t believe in creationism, Sweetheart, but does that mean the larger point stands, about God and the rib and the Garden of Eden and the Eye of Sauron and the Death Star plans?
#2. If She Doesn’t Stop Arguing With You And Make The Food, You’re Both Going to Starve
It’s a matter of simple science, really. The more time she spends flapping her gums, the less time she has to make you something to put into your mouth and chew until you swallow, and the simple fact is that she’s keeping herself from eating too. Isn’t it just like a woman to be so obsessed with getting you to treat her like a human that she’d starve you both in the process?
#3. There’s a Difference Between Misogyny and Sexism, But She Probably Wouldn’t Get It If You Explained It So She Should Just Make You a Sandwich
Maybe you are a little sexist. Maybe you DO think women are good at some things and men are good at others. That doesn’t make you a misogynist though, which is ACTUALLY what she is probably worrying her pretty little girly head about you being, if you think about it. But you know what? If you take the time you need to make her see the light, you’re gonna wind up dying of starvation. So it’s probably best if she just walked into that kitchen and made you a tuna on rye, know what I mean? Of course you do; you’re a man.
You get it.
#4. Life Is Too Short To Argue Over Whether Her Vagina Makes Her Inferior (Hint: It Does)
Look, we could go round and round on this one. But the simple truth is that life is just too short for us to argue and bicker over whether her vagina somehow magically makes her less important and her opinions less valid when there are casseroles to be made. Besides, you know the truth. She knows the truth. Deep down, deep inside her cute female brain, she knows the reality of the situation. She’ll probably thank you once your meat loaf is in your belly for getting her silly female brain to focus on the important stuff, not her general worth in society or anything dumb like that.
#5. Just Keep Rubbing Your Tummy And Repeating, “Me Hungy! Me Want Num-Nums!”
When all else fails, bring your A-game.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.