NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new scientific study has been released by the National Institute of Procreation Prevention Services may just change the way you, and the rest of humanity, views contraception.
Preventing a pregnancy while still engaging in the physically and emotionally gratifying activity of sex, or “boning it out,” as biologists refer to it, has vexed humankind forever. Ever since the first cave people discovered that they could have sex for pleasure in addition to making a baby, humans have sought to find ways to get their collective swerve on without risking a baby ruining their entire existence less than a year later.
The new study from NIPPS indicates that while condoms remain an extremely effective method of preventing pregnancy — certainly still much higher than the first method created by those same cave people that involved stuffing peas or pebbles into the man’s penile opening — there is a new contraceptive method available that, when used properly, is 99.999999% effective against pregnancy.
“We can say with almost perfect certainty that mansplaning is the most effective form of birth control ever imagined,” Dr. Billy Williamson told reporters at a press conference today.
Dr. Williamson is the chief researcher who helped NIPPS conduct the study, and he says the results are “so amazing” but that he expects it “could take years to make a woman understand them.”
“What we found,” Dr. Williamson said, “is that when a man attempts to explain something to a woman like she’s an idiot and/or she doesn’t already know the very obvious thing he’s explaining to her, he is so highly unlikely to have sex that there is almost a statistical impossibility for a pregnancy to occur from that particular interaction.”
Williamson said there were, as in any study, exceptions to the rule.
“Women who have absolutely no self esteem or a very low sense of self-worth or value are actually missing something in their ears that would allow them to hear mansplaining,” Williamson said. “So in those cases, they might still end up pregnant. Pregnant, for any women in the room, is when you make a baby in your tum tum, okay?”
A female reporter raised her hand.
“Excuse me, Dr. Williamson,” she asked, “but can you really call this a study on contraception if most of the male subjects didn’t have sex?”
Dr. Williamson sighted, slightly, and barely rolled his eyes before regarding the female reporter with an almost genuine smile.
“Actually, as men, Sweetie, we can say our study is about anything we want to,” Williamson explained, “but more to your point, go make me a pie.”
No pie was made.
“Look, I could explain the science to you all,” Williamson said, “but all you lady journalists may need your male colleagues to go over this with you more in depth after the press conference, okay? So maybe it’s best if you all just trust me. I mean, I am a man after all so…”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.