Sunday, November 27, 2022

First Recorded Sounds From Mars Are Martians Thanking Us For Electing Biden

In a truly stunning turn of events, the first audio recordings of the surface of Mars have been transmitted back to Earth by a rover vehicle. As surprising as it may be to many of us to be able to hear what the surface of the red planet sounds like, what is actually heard on the recordings is truly mind-blowing.

“THANK YOU FOR NOT RE-ELECTING THAT FAT FUCKING DOUCHEBAG CLOWN WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL!”

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It’s unclear exactly why the Martian recordings mention American politics. However, all of the messages that have been recorded and transmitted back home have indicated some kind of interest in that subject. Not only are there messages thanking the American people for not re-electing Barack Obama’s racist white collar criminal successor, there have been messages that mention the man who made him a one-term, permanently twice-impeached president, Joe Biden.

“ALSO! WE REALLY OWE YOU BIG TIME FOR ELECTING BIDEN! HE AIN’T PERFECTI, BUT HOLY SHIT THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IF THAT PUDGE-FUCK HAD GOTTEN A SECOND TERM!”

At this time, the ability to communicate back and forth with whatever Martian life exists is not available. However, both SpaceX and NASA are now scrambling to develop it. In the meantime, a return message has been written and will be broadcast on the strongest signal possible, in several languages.

“No biggy, really,” the return message says, “it was touch and go, and they tried to attack our capitol to stop democracy from happening, but we did it. Somehow, we did it. Now that we know you exist, we won’t keep trying to send Ted Cruz to Mars. That would be very unfair of us.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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