Saturday, January 22, 2022

Brave, Maskless Patriot Would Rather Be Arrested Than Leave McDonald’s Without His McNuggets

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — At the time of publication, right-wing podcaster and self-described “Mega MAGA Patriot” Jethro Bohiggins is still in a tense, armed standoff with local authorities and employees at the McDonald’s just a few blocks from his double-wide.

“Just about two hours ago, we received an urgent call to our 9-11 line, stating that a maskless, armed patriot was staging a sit-in at the McDonald’s in town, and refused to leave without his Chicken McNuggets,” police Lt. Scott Scooter told reporters during a press conference about a hundred yards away from the scene of the incident.

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Bohiggins is known for being vehemently anti-mask, anti-vaccine, anti-democracy, and anti-hygiene. In a recent podcast episode, he told his audience that “it’s time to stand up to tyranny” and that he’d “make a stand” somewhere in town this week. Apparently, his confrontation at McDonald’s was what Mr. Bohiggins had in mind.

Lt. Scooter indicated that Jethro has been in communication with him. Scooter asked Bohiggins, who entered the McDonald’s carrying his 9mm and semiautomatic long rifle, would need to leave the restaurant peacefully. Bohiggins was curt and direct.

“He said he’ll only leave once his 20 piece nuggies are ready, and once we’ve reinstated Don Trump to his, and this is a direct quote from Jethro, natural birthright throne, he’d leave. But not a moment before,” Lt. Scooter divulged.

Scooter told Bohiggins he doesn’t have the power to reinstate presidents, and in fact that’s not even in the Constitution.

“Then he got really pissed and told me I should tell that to Dan Bongino, the MyPillow Guy, Bongino’s laterally lisping fuckwit fact checker Matt ‘Closet Brony’ Palumbo, and Sidney Powell, the ratfaced scarecrow lawyer, and hung up on me,” Scooter announced.

This is a developing story and will be updated if and when the stand-off concludes.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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