Sunday, September 19, 2021

McCarthy Proposes Censuring Rep. Greene’s Crack Dealer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As House Democrats move quickly to strip her of her committee assignments, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy has brought a new proposal of a compromise to Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“I just got off the phone with Speaker Pelosi, and I think what I offered might just get everyone back on the same page, and in a bipartisan fashion,” McCarthy told reporters during a morning press conference today. “I made a very simple proposal. Instead of stripping Rep. Greene of her committee assignments, we simply censure her crack dealer.”

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With a smug and satisfied grin, McCarthy leaned back and crossed his arms. When the reporters present failed to rip open in applause, McCarthy pressed on.

“The thing is, what Marjorie has said in the past is stupid, offensive, dangerous, unhinged, psychotic, racist, homophobic, Islamaphobic,” McCarthy rattled off breathlessly, “moronic, fuckwitted, shit-headed, insane, super-duper cray cray, and quite frankly it makes my tummy hurt thinking about it. But the thing is, we don’t know if she’d be saying all those things if she wasn’t such a fan of crack. That’s crack cocaine, for my fellow Republicans.”

Rep. McCarthy said he already has secured “strong commitments” from the majority of his caucus that they’d support censuring Greene’s crack dealer.

“Yes, we used to be the party of personal responsibility, but we’ve had a bit of a rebranding,” McCarthy explained, “so now we’re the party of shirking it, instead. We feel that pinning the blame for Marjorie’s insane babblings on her crack habit is what’s best for the country, or whatever, but also and most importantly, for us.”

Speaker Pelosi has not provided comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.