WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) has a reputation for being a steely, unemotional political combatant, even as he’s driving a rhetorical dagger into the hearts of his opponents. This morning, however, shortly before lashing out in a public statement, Sen. McConnell was overheard letting himself speak rather candidly during the weekly Senate GOP conference call.
“Did you all see this happy horseshit with Major League Baseball? Can you imagine, the sheer audacity,” McConnell was heard shouting. “To tell us that they have a right, as corporations, to make choices as they see fit, as if there’s some kind of inherent market freedom in our country, and as if being pro-democracy is an American value!”
McConnell was expressing his outrage and consternation at the decision made by MLB to take its All-Star Game this summer from Atlanta to Denver.
“I mean, Colorado has voting laws too! You know they make you have an ID,” McConnell said. “Of course, they don’t make it illegal to give thirsty people water, and they send literally everyone a ballot to use, and they are almost all mail-in voters there, but the point is, SCREW MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL! They’re just as bad as Delta, if you ask me.”
Since it was signed into law by the Georgia state governor, a new spate of voting restrictions has been garnering a torrent of criticism, particularly from corporations that do business in the Peach State. Coca-Cola and Delta Airlines, both massive parts of the state’s economic footprint, lambasted the new law. Conservatives have attempted to shame the companies in question, and this morning McConnell said he “smells a rat” and demanded to know who gave corporations “so much power.”
“When in the hell did all these corporations get so powerful, huh? What idiot gave these corporations so much power in our political discourse,” McConnell demanded, as envelopes full of cash, marked “Oil and Gas Companies” fell out of his pockets. “It’s just absolutely beyond the pale that these tyrannical corporate overlords would take the side of uppity urbans over the paid political prostitutes in their lives. It’s extremely rude if you ask me.”
McConnell sauntered off, rubbing a piece of coal on his junk and fighting back sobs.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.