McConnell Opens Senate Impeachment Trial With Traditional Burning of the Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump began its second day. Claiming a desire to “stick completely to history, tradition, and precedent,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicked-off the proceedings by taking the U.S. Constitution to the middle of the Senate floor, and setting it ablaze.

“We really don’t need this thing for this trial, or anything at all, while Trump is a Republican and in office,” McConnell explained as he soaked the country’s foundational document in gasoline. “Besides, this thing contains all kinds of cucky language about how we’re supposed to not pre-judge the outcome of this trial, and a dangerous amount of content that gives Congress the right to hold a president accountable for putting his personal political career ahead of national security and the very democracy it establishes.”

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Leader McConnell, striking a large, wooden match, set the Constitution down on the floor, and placed the match on top of it. As the flames burned the Constitution completely, McConnell kept speaking. A smug grin never left his face.

“I’m particularly pleased to burn this thing because of that whole ‘presidents get to nominate Supreme Court justices even if they’re black Democrats’ thing it has in it,” McConnell declared. “Fam, you know I never liked that clause. But outside of that, I think it’s vital that we burn this Constitution right here and right now, for our safety and protection. No, not the safety and protection of the country it establishes! Don’t be silly. Because burning it protects and safeguards we, the Republican Senators of the United States of America.”

Next, McConnell stamped out the fire, and unfastened his belt. He got down, in a stoop. Then, he began defecating on the ashes of the Constitution.

“Let’s just face it, I never, ever cared about what that thing actually said or contained. Sure, I could make a baleful, plaintiff noise and make my ever-wet eyes into an expression of caring,” McConnell said, “but at the end of the day, I do and say whatever I want, because the political base of my party are gullible and never learn how critical thinking works. If you ask me, that means we don’t need the Constitution.”

Grunting and pushing, McConnell continued to literally shit on the Constitution as he addressed the Senate chamber.

“That document contains brazen attacks on our dear president’s ability to do whatever he wants to do,” McConnell said, a particularly dark brown and soupy turd landing on the ashes of the Constitution. “And we simply must ensure that Republican presidents get to act like kings! Is that not what…hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuhhhhhhh…we fought the British to win, if not the right to allow our presidents to extort foreign governments for personal political gain?”

Next, McConnell signaled to a Senate page and motioned toward the pile of his feces and the smoky remains of the Constitution. The page called over another aide and the two began cleaning up the mess, wearing gloves and quietly going about their business. McConnell, blustered on.

“Some have suggested I should have used the Constitution to sweep this trial under like a rug,” McConnell conceded, “but I just don’t think we could take the risk and let it go uncharred. Surely, we’ve outgrown the need for checks, and moved beyond balances, have we not?”

As the two men cleaned, McConnell wrapped up his remarks.

“There have been voices outside this chamber who have insisted that were the situation reversed, and were the president a Democrat, that I would be demanding a full trial with witnesses and evidence presented,” McConnell said, “but let me assure you of something. Some time in the future, should a Democrat president pull the shenanigans, my principles will remain rock solid and as consistent as they ever have been. As long as they’re non-existent, that won’t be a lie. Mr. Chair, I yield the floor.”

President Trump is the third president, and first Republican, to be officially impeached by the House of Representatives.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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