Sunday, September 19, 2021

Melania: Giving WH Tours To Incoming First Ladies Is The Only Thing She Won’t Steal From Michelle Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 2016, Third First Lady Melania Trump shocked quite a few people when she plagiarized entire sections of a speech given by Michelle Obama just four years prior, when Mrs. Trump was addressing that year’s Republican National Convention. If Mrs. Obama felt slighted by Melania’s theft, she hid it quite well when she and her husband, Former President Barack Obama, gave Melania and her husband a tour of the White House, before his own inauguration.

Melania, however, will not be participating in that tradition, and has declined to give Dr. Jill Biden, Joe Biden’s incoming First Lady, a similar tour. Many of wondered why Melania would make that kind of decision, given that it could be read as a partisan attack in the last hours of her husband’s presidential administration. Others on the Hill have noted that Melania is a birther herself, so doing nonsensical and/or racist things just happens to come naturally to her.

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Melania, thought a spokesperson, released a statement this morning attempting to clarify the decision she made not to give Jill Biden the very same tour Michelle Obama gave her just four years ago.

“Almost Kinda But Not Really First Lady Melania chose not to give Jill Biden a personal, guided tour of The White House for a few reasons,” the statement announced. “First and foremost, Melania never paid that much attention when she lived her, because she was too busy daydreaming about being married to any of the other men who have been president. Secondly, she decided that giving White House tours was the one thing she wouldn’t steal from Michelle Obama. At some point, one has to stand on her own two feet and be her own racist gold digging birther.”

At the same time they announced that Melania would not be giving Biden a tour, the First Lady’s press office divulged that “some efforts were made to find a suitable replacement for Mrs. Trump,” to give the tour. President Trump’s actual First Lady apparently volunteered. However, the president decided he “didn’t want to share” her with the Bidens.

“President Trump is extremely jealous and protective of his love for Ivanka,” the First Lady’s press release states. “So while she was more than up to the task of giving the First Lady White House tour, the president decided he’d much rather have her right by his side, right on top of his side, really, if that’s possible. In fact, not even on top of his side, but right on top of his crotch.”

Joe Biden becomes president tomorrow at 12:00 pm Eastern Time.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.