Thursday, June 8, 2023

Gold Digging Racist Asshole Has Lost All Interest in Pretending to Be First Lady

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the world’s most famous gold miners — who also happens to be a racist birther — has told her friends and family recently that she’s “over it” and desperately wants to stop pretending to be First Lady. Reportedly, Melania Trump is extremely thankful that her husband’s tenure as president has just barely over a week left on it.

This week, Melania broke her weeklong silence on the January 6th, 2021 insurrection inspired by her husband and made sure to let everyone know that the real victims of the attack — her and her husband’s family — were all very sad, or whatever. Below is a tweet issued from the official First Lady Twitter account, containing Melania’s statement on the attacks. Notably, she mentions Ashli Babbit, an insurrectionist who was shot dead by security officials as she tried to illegally break into the capitol, as a victim and not a perpetrator.

Mrs. Trump is a famous “birther,” a member of the political movement made famous by her husband that refuses to believe former President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, and not Kenya. The birther conspiracy theory is nothing more than racist dog whistling and baseless mendacity, which is why, Melania told an interviewer in 2013, she and her family were “so good at it.”

RELATED: Trump Starting New Social Media Company With Ivanka

“Donald ees rill goot at making with the race cracks and the boombox types,” Melania said at the time. “And he has taugthen all his keeds and me how to be good racists too!”

There have always been rumors that Melania wasn’t that into the First Lady gig. For the first several weeks and months of his presidency, she didn’t live at the White House with her husband. Many speculated that she would be fine to let Trump’s real First Lady, his daughter Ivanka, take all the duties traditionally associated with the role. Now, sources say she’s completely and utterly given up even trying to pretend to care about the job.

“I mean, she never really put any effort into it anyway, right? Look at what she did for Christmas decorations. Look what the redesign of the Rose Garden did. Now? There’s barely a week left. Melania’s already started to look at what life after the White House will look like,” our source tells us. “She’s even started looking at her prenup with Donald, wondering if she can get out of her marriage and find another rich, aging racist but whose political star is still rising. She’d love to attach herself to someone else with a future, not someone who is now obviously a bigly loser.”

RELATED: Ivanka Doesn’t Think She Should Have to Sleep Her Way to the Top of the Trump Organization Again


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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