MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador dropped what could be a bombshell announcement on the world today, partially reversing a policy that has been in place in his country since Vladimir Putin appointed Donald Trump President of the United States of America.
“Mexico has long told El Naranjo Loco that we will not pay for his border wall, or anything else in the U.S budget,” Obrador told Mexican reporters this morning. “But I am reversing that decision after rewatching an episode of Face the Nation recently. We will gladly pay for Mr. Stephen Miller’s hair plugs. That shit was hilarious and nasty to look at.”
President Obrador reiterated that while he would never support his country paying for “El Chingador de Su Hija’s monument to American racism,” he and his cabinet feel it is “only right and humane” that they help America “cobble together the money they need to make their favorite proto-fascist, smarmy lizard-human symbiote look less hilariously bad on national TV.”
“The fact of the matter is that we’re neighbors, and when your neighbor’s yard has a pile of dog crap on it,” Obrador explained, “it drives down your real estate values too. So we’re making this offer out of Christian charity and sympathy, really.”
Obrador says that while Mexico would prefer that the U.S. government not employ “blatantly racist, likely fascist, definitely stupid” people like Miller, it can’t do anything about it once they are hired. Mexico can, however, Obrador insisted, help keep “ugly little troll fucks” from having to “resort to such blatantly unconvincing and yet truly hilarious” ways of hiding their baldness.
“Look, we get it, if you’re Stephen Miller you probably don’t want to be an ignorant, racist ogre and look like one too,” Obrador said. “So he did what he thought was best for him and his boss. That of course was, as the American president would say, a bigly mistake.”
Should Miller and the White House accept Mexico’s offer, Obrador says that the funds necessary to cover the hair restoration procedure will come from all the money Mexico makes selling calendars, books, coffee mugs, and t-shirts with Miller’s spray-on hair prominently displayed.
The White House has not responded to Mexico’s offer to restore Miller’s hair.
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