Middle-Aged Man Should Probably Be Better at Fucking By Now

LAGO DEL FLACIDO, CALIFORNIA — Skip Languido is a 42 year old financial planner and he and his second wife are in the middle of an awkward, but important conversation when our Skype conversation begins.

“Hello? Oh, hi, yeah, it’s me, Skip,” he tells us as our connection is made with one another. “My wife Tawny and I were just talking about what you and I are going to discuss. She said that she’s really very satisfied sexually, no matter how much it seems like she shouldn’t be when I cum way, way too quickly.”

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And with that, our interview was underway.

“She told me that, for her anyway, orgasms are always secondary to having a nice home, a nice car, and the ability to go out to eat whenever she doesn’t feel like cooking,” Skip told us. “But, I gotta be honest, I’m starting to think she’s keeping her disappointment secret from me.”

Skip paused while he ducked out of the bedroom and into his office. He closed the door behind him. Letting go of a fart, he continued the interview.

“Sorry, we’ve been married four years now, and I still haven’t farted a single time in front of her,” Skip said. “Anyway, I don’t think she realizes it sometimes, but a few times after I cum, again, usually very quickly, she goes, ‘Oh. That’s…okay.’ And just rolls over while I clean myself up. She never complains out loud, mind you, but then again I don’t listen to every phone conversation or read her texts or chats, so who knows what she’s telling her friends.”

Skip took another moment to himself to let out another fart.

“Ahhhhh. Much better,” Skip continued. “Anyway, the point is that I feel like at my age, I should probably be better at fucking by now. Like, no matter what, though, my dick feels like it’s never grown up past 16 or 17 years old. I get so excited, and I get so sensitive down there, that I spurt really quickly most times. When I do hold out for what I feel is a long time, I realize that she still hasn’t gotten off.”

It’s not that Skip thinks he’s the worst lover, ever. He’s developed some “halfway decent skills” in the bedroom that he says he tries to remember to put to good use. Sometimes, Skip remembers to pleasure his wife before he engages in actual intercourse with her. In those instances, he gives himself a “solid 5, maybe 6” sexually. Languido says, though, that even when he’s “really mowing that box like a champ,” he still dreads what she’ll eventually ask for, full sexual penetration, because “that’s when everything goes to shit.”

“I keep telling her that maybe we should keep one of her dildos handy and I should use that on her, after I go down on her, and before I put my thingy-doodle in her,” Skip told us, “but she’s stubborn. When she wants an actual penis, the analog won’t do. I mean, I trust her when she says it’s no big deal that I usually goo in like six or seven pumps, but I can’t help but think sometime, some day, she’ll get tired of my mediocre cock skills and leave me.”

Languido assures us and his wife, however, that he hasn’t thrown in the towel just yet. He knows, he says, that by now he “should’ve gotten better at fucking,” but at his age he’s also learned he has to “be patient, forgiving, and realistic” with himself. Skip said he’s been taking online courses and watching an extra amount of porn on the Internet, hoping to glean some clues as to how to be better at fucking.

“One day, before I die, I want to fuck, like, really, really, really well,” Skip said. “If you ask literally any of the women I’ve had sex with if they think I’ve got it in me to, they’ll probably laugh in your face. I definitely think I owe some of them some kind of formal apology for how bad at fucking I was, because as bad as I am now, I’ve actually gotten better with Tawny. But I won’t give up. I go down without a fight. As God as my witness, I’ll get better at fucking, and hopefully before I’m 60. I think that’s a reasonable goal.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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