Sunday, September 19, 2021

Mike Pence on Jan 6th: “The Former President Heard I Liked It Rough”

On January 6th, 2021 a pro-Trump mob stormed the capitol in an attempt to stop Congress from certifying Joe Biden as the next president. It’s been called an “insurrection,” a “domestic terror attack,” and even a “failed coup” by many. Republicans still loyal to former President Trump, however, have tried to significantly downplay and minimize what happened that day, despite hundreds of arrests and charges being filed against the people who participated in the violence and chaos that day.

Today, during a press junket promoting his upcoming book, Steps Away from Power, Inches Away from Autocratic Taint, a memoir of his time in the Trump administration, former Vice President Mike Pence joined those who have tried to downplay the insurrection. Despite the fact that chants of “Hang Mike Pence” were heard that day, and even though Trump himself whipped up an angry fury against Pence because he refused to help Trump ignore the election results, the former vice president said he didn’t have any ill-will toward his boss, and he didn’t think Trump had any ill-will toward him.

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“Now, I know he sent that mob my way. I know they had erected a gallows outside, and I know they were specifically looking for me,” Pence admitted to reporters. “However, I think it’s folly and premature to blame that on President Trump. The former president heard I liked it rough, and wanted to give me a sexy going away gift — a bunch of angry, sweaty, gunned-up hunky patriots looking to give me some of that rough stuff.”

Pence paused. He closed his eyes. He drew a deep breath and let it out, simultaneously moaning ever so slightly.

“Mmm. So rough,” Pence said, in almost daze. “Anyway, I don’t harbor any bad feelings toward him for trying to send me off in a brutal and fatal — but again, VERY EROTIC — way. Who among us wouldn’t try to get his friend killed because his friend wouldn’t help him subvert American democracy? It’s a tale as old as time, really.”

Pence stated his strong disagreement with the need for any commissions to investigate the events of January 6th.

“This isn’t Benghazi. This isn’t a tan suit. This isn’t us pretending the IRS didn’t have a reason to be extra careful to scrutinize Tea Party groups because they were the ones most likely to flout campaign finance laws they don’t respect anyway,” Pence suggested. “Those are things real Americans want looked into. Not whether or not the previous president tried to end our system of government to suit his personal ego and desire to stay out of legal jeopardy once he left office. C’mon, folks.”

Pence has not given any indication whether he will seek his party’s nomination for the 2024 presidential race, or defer to his former boss.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.