CONFEDERATE COUNTY, MISSOURI — Missouri joined a growing number of red states have passed new, sweeping, extremely restrictive abortion bans last week, and this week State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) introduced a new measure that would change the state’s longtime nickname, in honor of the new abortion restriction.
“For decades Missouri has been known as the Show Me State, and that was just fine. It meant that you couldn’t just waltz into Missouri and feed us a buncha lies; you had to show us the proof,” Thompaulsen said at a press conference announcing his new bill. “But, well, frankly in the Trump Era of Republicanism, that kind don’t make no sense, really, anymore. Thank Goodness that abortion ban came along, because all’s we gotta do is just add two words to the nickname to make it actually reflect today’s Missourians.”
Rep. Thompaulsen has proposed that the state officially change its nickname to “The Show Me Your Cooter State.”
“If you think about it, in order to enforce our new abortion ban, we’re gonna have to inspect some cooters in this state,” Thompaulsen said. “This ain’t about misogyny or controlling women-folk, or even about seeing their hoo-has for anything but law enforcement purposes. This is about saving the life of the unborn, and frankly the unfertilized. If we don’t live in a country where I can force a woman to let me inspect her genitals, do we even live in America anymore?”
Thompaulsen said the new state nickname wouldn’t take much to implement.
“It’s just two words, and hell, even I can count that high,” Thompaulsen said. “It’s just a matter of getting some new banners and letterhead printed. Shouldn’t cost that much, or take too long to get going.”
There will also be a new uterine state registry, as well as a database of every menstruation, starting in the fall.
“We will not rest until our government is so small we can cram it in your pee-pee holes,” Thompaulsen said. “And again, remember, this isn’t about women. It’s about the non-sentient, incapable of of actual thought or consciousness glob that’s attached to her uterine lining. That’s it. Get your minds out of the gutter, fam. Sure, I’ll probably get a little thrill when I do my ride alongs with the Missouri Pussy Police, and we get to see some beav, but that’s not what this is about! THIS IS ABOUT MUH DED BEBBES!”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.