Thursday, March 30, 2023

Mob Storms Local Taco Bell Demanding Mexican Pizzas

FORT PHARDT, INDIANA — An angry, maksed mob appeared at a local Taco Bell this week and demanded scores of Mexican Pizzas, which will be leaving the Taco Bell menu for good in a matter of weeks.

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It was announced just days ago that in a continuing effort to scale back their menu item selection, Taco Bell would be eliminating food items such as the Mexican Pizza and various other items. The Mexican Pizza has been on their menu for decades, but Taco Bell felt it was the right time to axe it from their menu. There are no current plans to replace it with a similar item.

“WE WANT MEXICAN PIZZAS! GIVE US MEXICAN PIZZAS,” the mob shouted at the Taco Bell on 4th and Grand Avenue today. “WE WANT MEXICAN PIZZAS! GIVE US MEXICAN PIZZAS!”

The Taco Bell employees reportedly told the mob’s representatives that it would not be a problem to sell them as many Mexican Pizzas as they wanted, provided the store had enough supplies of the ingredients needed to make them. But that wasn’t good enough for the mob. They wanted assurances that their local Taco Bell franchise would defy corporate HQ and keep the Mexican Pizzas on their menus.

“Things suck so hard right now. Lockdowns, quarantines, a seemingly endless pandemic,” one person who said they were in the mob told us. “I think people just kinda snapped when they found out 2020 was also going to take our sweet, sweet Mexican pizzas from us, too.”

An employee of the Taco Bell location agreed to speak to us on condition of anonymity and said that while the mob was quite volatile and angry when it appeared, it didn’t take very long to find a way to pacify them.

“I remember one of our cooks mentioning that he bet most of them were just angry that they couldn’t get a Mexican Pizza when they were high anymore,” our Taco Bell source said. “That got us all to thinking, and we had enough cash on hand to get enough dank herb delivered to smoke everyone out. Once we passed out some free taco coupons after everyone was good and baked, things were pretty chill. Wish every day was like that around here, actually.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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