STINK NUT FALLS, IDAHO — 35 year old Shelly Skalski is just about to take her three kids out trick or treating in the local town square. It’s a tradition in her sleepy Idaho berg that if Halloween falls on a Saturday, as it does this year, that the Friday night beforehand, the shops in town open up and let kids trick or treat them. Of course, given that there is still a covid-19 pandemic outbreak the country is dealing with, this year’s festivities will be toned-down, and kids will kept socially distant from each other.
“Luckily, Halloween is already a time when most everyone puts a mask on, so we feel pretty safe doing this,” Shelly tells us in a Skype interview. “Still, it’s no time to let down on the usual precautions you take before trick or treating. Check your flashlight for batteries, and always do a drug check. I’m actually about to do a drug check right now.”
Our reporter asked how Ms. Skalski was checking her kids’ candy for drugs when she and her family hadn’t gone out trick or treating yet. With a laugh, Shelly explained.
“Oh, no, sorry. I should have been clearer,” Shelly said. “I meant I’m checking my purse for the drugs I’m going to need to be on to get through it. You ever try dragging three kids under the age of 12 around a shopping mall without an edible, or a vape pen? Good fucking luck to ya.”
So why does Shelly need drugs to get through taking her kids trick or treating?
“Have you met my kids? I mean, I love them, but if they weren’t half my own DNA, I’d swear they were aliens from another planet,” Shelly explained. “Their costumes are cute. They’re good kids. They’re just, also, you know, kids, and therefore ruin everything pretty much just by existing a lot of the time. That’s why I need drugs. I need them for the same reason we all need them.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.