Thursday, June 8, 2023

Bob Mueller Walking White House Grounds Looking For Good Stakeout Point Ahead Of Putin Visit

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  Special Counsel Robert Mueller has been seen in the past few hours at the White House, meticulously checking the grounds surrounding it, looking for the most advantageous point to conduct a stakeout and surveillance operation ahead of a potential state visit from Russian/American President Vladimir Putin later this fall.

“Special Counsel Mueller headed out to the White House at about o300 hundred hours, with the mission of finding the most suitable place to stakeout the meeting between President Trump and Real President Putin,” a spokesperson for Mueller’s office told reporters this morning. ”

Mueller has visited the White House before, but never had the opportunity or need to scout locations for recon missions before now. Mueller is leading the FBI’s investigation into Russian interference and cyber attacks on the United States during the 2016 presidential election, and whether there was collusion with the Trump campaign. Mueller is also tasked with determining whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice and impede his investigation.

“To be totally honest, it caught us all flat-footed when Trump actually invited Putin to the White House, because it just seemed almost stupid, you know what I mean? Like,” the spokesman said, “it would be the same thing if we were investigating whether someone’s asshole was stinky, and they farted in our faces. I could come up with a better analogy, but then again, with this administration, maybe my first analogy is all we need.”

Donald Trump Vows To Make Hazzard County Great Again

Mueller is said to be choosing between a couple of places on the White House grounds.

“There’s a little spot under a tree in the rose garden Director Mueller likes quite a bit,” Mueller’s spox said. “Then again, these people are so dumb, he can probably just go in through the front door and put a glass up to the Oval Office window and no one would say or do anything, because again, not to beat a dead horse, but this administration is galling stupid. They know we’ve seen emails between Don’s son and Russian agents. They know not everyone lives in their Fox News bubble, but well, here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons, huh?”

Reached for comment, President Trump says he “doesn’t see the big whoop” about Putin’s visit, and that it still doesn’t prove there are any suspicious ties between himself and Putin.

“When I said NO COLLUSION over the last two years, I was telling the truth! Now, after Helsinki and his visit to the White House, Putin and I have agreed that I should change that statement,” Trump said. “So until we have that meeting, I’ll just be saying…NO COLLUSION, YET! Okay? Good. Great. Time to go tweet, eat fried chicken, and get inappropriate boners about my own daughter. Also, I smell like pee.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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