Thursday, June 1, 2023

Musk Invests $10 Million in New Water Pipe Company

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Last year, Elon Musk made headlines when he appeared on comedian Joe Rogan’s podcast and the pair enjoyed a marijuana, or “Jazz” cigarette together. The history of cannabis use in America is one fraught with racist propaganda, racist policies, and a generational distrust of the plant and its byproducts. Any time someone as wealthy and successful as Musk is documented partaking of marijuana, it’s one more step toward legalization, decriminalization, and more research into its both good and detrimental qualities.

Apparently, Mr. Musk got quite the taste for cannabis thanks to that podcast appearance, and last week he announced that he would be investing $10 million to seed a new business venture. The new company will be formed from within his already established Boring Company, and will manufacture high quality, space-aged waterpipes, commonly known as “bongs,” that will also serve as miniature, personal rockets.

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“Dude, I was looking at the Boring Company logo last night, and I realized, if we just dropped the R and the I from the name, it’d spell bong,” Musk told investors today, laughing hysterically as he did. “You know, like what you can use to smoke weed? Have you guys heard of weed? It’s pretty dope.”

Bong Company’s rocketbongs will retail for right around $2.8 million.

“I know that’s a lot for a bong, but that’s pretty cheap for a rocket,” Musk said. “Maybe people can crowdfund the means to buy one together. Marijuana is a communal drug, and it brings people together anyway, so if people are already getting together to smoke some weed and kick a hacky sack around, why not see if you can come up with a couple million bucks and then you can all take turns getting high and also smoking cannabis.”

The Bong Company isn’t the only way Elon is attempting to break into the legal cannabis market.

“I have the SpaceX nerds working on converting our reusable side boosters into rocketbongs as well,” Musk said. “And honestly — I’m not sure whether or not turning them into massive bongs isn’t actually a better, more humanitarian use for them.”

Musk says that SpaceX and the Bong Company are even teaming up on a joint venture — a bong that only works in space.

“Everyone made a gravity bong in college. But we’re developing the world’s first and only anti-gravity bong,” Musk said. “The best thing to put you into orbit while you’re in orbit.”

Mr. Musk anticipates his companies will begin taking orders for his pot-related products by the late fall.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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