Nancy Pelosi Still Can’t Find Her Constitutional Authority to Hold Trump Accountable

WASHINGTON, D.C. — She knows she left it somewhere. She had it in her purse, or perhaps a hip pocket; she’s not quite sure exactly where it was that she had it last. But give her some time, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) may end up surprising the world, finding the constitutional authority she’s been entrusted by the voters of America to hold President Donald Trump accountable. And if she does, Pelosi says she might just end up “shocking the world.”

“Who knows? Maybe if I do find it, wherever it is,” Pelosi told reporters, “I’ll use it. However, I make no promises. I’ll have to wait and see what the latest opinion polls tell me, before I do the right thing for the country and the world, you understand. After all, did the founders charge headlong into drafting the Declaration of Independence, or did they conduct a series of polls over several months, and only acted when they knew they couldn’t delay any further? No, really, I’m asking you guys, because I’m hoping I can put off doing something for a smidge longer at any rate.”

Pelosi is looking, desperately it seems, for where she left the authority that the Constitution of the United States of America gives her the ability to hold President Donald Trump accountable. Mr. Trump has been ratcheting up his grossly unconstitutional behavior of late. In the most recent scandal, it appears that Trump brazenly and openly tried to pressure a foreign government into helping him win next year’s election.

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“What he did with Ukraine is just inexcusable. It absolutely rises to the level of warranting removal from office. It’s Nixonian. It’s, frankly, horrifying thinking how far he’ll go,” Pelosi was overheard telling an aide today. “But I’ll be damned if I can’t figure out, exactly, how to do that.”

Pelosi, sensing the cameras were on her, added more gravitas and weight to her commentary.

“Never before has there been such a clear and present danger, such an obvious threat, to the peace and stability of our country, than with this egomaniacal wannabe despot at the helm of the country,” Pelosi said. “He is manifestly incompetent, corrupt, and unintelligent. He is self-dealing and enriching in every single, solitary action he takes. Donald Trump is the living personification of every single terrible archetype of a leader that we’ve ever created in our species’ history. And just as soon as I can find where I misplaced my constitutional powers, I will get down the business of potentially, maybe, perchance, perhaps doing something with those powers.”

Speaker Pelosi warned Americans not to hold their breath in anticipation of her actions, however.

“The last thing I want to do is have a bunch of suffocating Americans on my hands,” Ms. Pelosi explained. “Waiting for a Democrat to grow a spine and political courage is like waiting for the sun to rise in the west just before ordering a Big Mac from Taco Bell, know what I mean fam?”

Over in the White House, sources say Trump is busy making preparations for something he thinks will keep Pelosi from holding him accountable, permanently.

“The president has ordered the army corps of engineers to build a paper shredder in the Oval Office capable of turning the Constitution into ribbons,” one White House source told us on the condition of anonymity and tickets to next year’s Stagecoach festival. “He figured that he might as well do it literally, since doing it figuratively didn’t get him in trouble with Pelosi or anyone else.”

When told about his plans to literally shred the Constitution, Pelosi was once more “shocked and outraged.”

“WHAT?! HOW COULD HE?! I SWEAR TO GOD AS SOON AS I GET THE RIGHT BALANCE OF POLLING DATA, I AM GOING TO GIVE HIM A SUPER STERN FINGER WAGGING,” Pelosi said, before thinking about it for a moment and walking that back. “I mean, you know, I’ll think about maybe wagging my finger, but only if the wind is blowing in the right direction and Jupiter is the fifth house of Mars, or whatever. WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!”

Pelosi took off in a flash, throwing her papers in the air as she bolted as far away from the scene as she could, as quickly as her feet could carry her.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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