Sunday, November 27, 2022

Nicki Minaj Says Her Cousin’s Friends Balls Are Southwest Pilots Who Walked Out Over Vaccines

One of MAGA America’s favorite experts on the moisture level of vaginae and her cousin’s friend’s testicles may have tweeted something today that will only endear her even more to the red hatted cousins of the confederacy.

“Don’t want to get political, but my friend’s cousin’s balls are airline pilots, for Southwest,” rapper Niki Minaj tweeted, “and they both are on strike. Both balls. Left and right. Will his balls lose their job now, just because they’re unvaccinated and want to do their own research?”


There had been some initial confusion over why Minaj’s friends’ balls walked out on their jobs as Southwest pilots. Both were reportedly adversely affected by someone getting vaccinated against COVID-19, and most of the reports of pilots walking out were those who were choosing to not get vaccinated at all. Just how many of those reports will pan out to be true, Minaj’s friend’s cousin’s balls issued a brief statement later in the day, explaining why they walked out.

“It is true, we are already vaccinated, but we walked out, and decided never to pilot another plane for Southwest again, out of solidarity,” the balls said through their spokesperson. “We are absolutely nuts for standing up for what we believed in, no matter how much it might tug us in an unwanted direction later.”

Tucker Carlson has already booked both of Minaj’s cousin’s friends balls to appear on his show tonight. In a tweet from his show’s official Twitter page, Carlson promised to also get an update from the pilots on their health, and if they’ve recovered from the side effects of COVID-19 vaccination yet.

“Ordinarily if black people are involved in anyway that doesn’t involve entertaining or serving me, I’m not remotely interested,” Carlson tweeted, “but I can’t tell you how excited I will to have Lefty and Righty on the show tonight.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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