THE LAKE OF FIRE, HELL, ETERNITY — At a press conference from the afterlife, former President Richard Nixon announced that he will be sending, via Hellacious Express, a copy of his Articles of Impeachment to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (R-CA) sometime next week.
“It seems to me, watching that angry orange orangutan that the American People elected for a couple years now,” Nixon said at the press conference, “that he’s pretty much biting every bit of my presidential style. Except, you know, stupidly.”
Nixon said he watched the testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee of former FBI Director James Comey, who was fired by President Donald Trump last month, and it was obvious to him that Trump was “guilty as hell of being a little copycat bitch.” Nixon said he read the Mueller Report “cover to cover” and it “sounded like Trump thought he was the second coming of Dick Nixon.” Finally, Mr. Nixon said he familiarized himself with the details of Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president, the whistleblower complaint about the call and several other of Trump’s actions detailed in the report, and he’s “fully convinced” Trump is just “copying off [his] work.”
“Obstruction of justice isn’t just about stopping an investigation into yourself,” Nixon bellowed, “but that’s what these morons want us to believe? I’m just so mad that no one is at least giving me a co-written by credit on this shit show! And abuse of power? Gimme a fucking break! Nothing abuses power like asking for a pledge of loyalty, and then firing an FBI director because he refused to give you that loyalty. Nothing says abuse of power like trying to strongarm a foreign government into helping you tank a candidate and win, and I should know because I tried to make a deal with the Vietcong while Johnson was still in office! See? Another way this copycat fuck has stolen my shit.”
Mr. Nixon said his ego had taken a battering over the last couple of years because “not a single fuckin’ Republican” is giving him credit for being the inspiration for Trump’s presidency. But, he said, he can “see the writing on the wall,” and has chosen to “take a path of enlightenment about the whole thing.” And so, Nixon said he decided to help Speaker Pelosi a copy of his Articles of Impeachment to “save some time.”
“Since the orange shit clown is going to steal everything from me and just try to be a new version of me,” Nixon said, “I figured let’s save some time, send my impeachment charges down to Pelosi, and when she needs to, she can just copy and paste Trump’s name over mine and be done with it.”
Nixon admitted that he was a little jealous of Trump. He said he never would have “had the balls” the be so brazen about obstructing justice as Trump was. But, he thinks Trump has a distinct advantage he never had.
“Trump is the guy the Republicans will get away with murder because of me,” Nixon said, “because they’ve been trying to make the Democrats pay for forcing me to resign for decades. They’ve never come to grips with the fact that most Americans despise the way I was as president. Now they have a trust fund racist and reality-TV D-list celebrity that would make them all puke thirty years ago in the Oval Office, but they’ll defend him to their dying breath so they can save themselves from having another me situation on their hands.”
Mr. Nixon said even the White House’s response to Comey’s accusations that Trump is a liar “sounded crazy familiar” to him.
“Western Bacon Female Mike Huckabee said, ‘The president is not a liar,'” Nixon said, “and I said ‘I am not a crook.’ Could it be any more an obvious rip off? Sheesh.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.