Thursday, June 8, 2023

Nation Grips Itself for Another Week Without a Presidential Golf Outing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For four years, if there was one thing Americans could come to rely on, it was not their president’s rock steady commitment to the job he was elected to do. It wasn’t his willingness to sacrifice everything, or really anything, to keep America safe and Americans at peace with each other. If there was one thing that the people of this country did get quite used to, though, it was their president’s unshakable devotion to golf and golfing.

From 2017 to 2021, the former president spent more than $140 million in taxpayer money on around 300 rounds of golf. Because he owned the golf courses he’d play at, he was able to save the people on his greens fees, however it still costs quite a bit of money to keep the most powerful man in the free world safe while he shoots the shit at cheats at golf. While it’s unclear still what benefit, if any, Barack Obama’s racist, incompetent successor’s golf outings had for the nation, the simple fact that is that the sheer number of them has convinced a large swath of people that if he’s not golfing, the President of the United States may not be completely getting the job done.

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Since taking office, President “Sleepy” Joe Biden hasn’t played a single round of golf. He hasn’t even been spotted carrying a putter around the White House and using it like a riding crop like the man who held his office before him did. Instead, by all accounts, Biden has chosen to spend his time doing presidential work.

On the Hill, this decision has been met with harsh criticism, deep cynicism, and even some existential dread.

“Let me be perfectly frank with you,” Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) told Fox News this morning. “If Sleepy Joe Biden thinks he can get through the next year’s not golfing and instead focusing on actual work actual presidents do, he’s got another thing coming. And as soon as I get back from my Mexican riviera vacation, I will make that point abundantly clear to him.”

One can only imagine what Rush Limbaugh would be saying about the lack of golfing in Biden’s agenda, were Limbaugh not dead and his corpulent corpse already rotting to match his soul. Sean Hannity, a clone made from the scraping the remnants of Limaugh’s sceptic tank, blasted Biden this morning, calling his lack of tee times “outrageous and downright insulting to MAGA nation.”

“Does he really want to unite us, or is that just liberal claptrap bullcrap,” Hannity howled on his radio show. “If Joe really wanted to show us he cares about those of us who are still drunk on the Kool-Aid of the last four years, he’d stop whatever he’s doing, tweet for six hours straight, shit his Depends, snort some adderall, and then go play a round of golf.”

Hannity paused for dramatic effect.

“But he’s not doing that, is he,” Hannity asked rhetorically, “and I’m just over here asking myself why that is. I hope you’re all asking yourselves the same question.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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