Thursday, June 8, 2023

New York to Rename Public Toilet After Trump

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Perhaps to quiet a growing controversy, and make amends with the most powerful and small handed man in the free world, officials in New York City have reached out to the White House and offered to rename a Manhattan landmark after the 45th President of the United States of America.

“Not enough New Yorkers like Mr. Trump enough for him to have carried his hometown, much less his home state. Nevertheless, as much as we try to downplay it, there is a connection between the Big Apple and Trump,” New York City Junior Deputy Councilperson Sheila Williams told reporters today, “and as such we have extended an olive branch to the president, offering to name one of our most often used public toilets after him.”

All the talk of renaming landmarks for presidents and former presidents started with a popular online petition asking city officials to rename a block of Fifth Avenue after former President Barack Obama. There is no denying the lack of love lost between Trump and Obama, and supporters of the previous Democratic president attempted to “troll” Trump with the petition. Mr. Trump’s famous Trump Tower currently calls the block that would be renamed “Barack Obama Avenue” its home.

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While most city officials have come out against the renaming petition, within the city council, some felt a compromise of some sort could be reached.

“There was a petition to rename one of our landfills after Trump, but we thought that might be a bit much,” Williams explained, “and frankly, a toilet is probably much more closely related to New York’s least favorite son who isn’t named Donald Trump Jr.”

According to Williams, the public toilet in question is one of the most highly used in all of Manhattan, and it’s “pretty much the perfect fit for Trump.”

“It’s always overflowing and you can smell its shit from a mile away in a cab,” Williams said, “so there is literally no better tribute to that man in all of New York City.”

Reports are that President Trump is fuming at the suggestion that he have a toilet named after him, and is considering all the tools the Constitution gives him in order to respond.

“The president is not taking any measures off the table,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said, his mouth completely full of President Trump, making it hard for reporters to clearly understand him at points, “and so if that means a tactical, preemptive nuclear strike on the boroughs, then by God that’s what we’re going to do. No one insults my president and gets away with it!”

Apparently, there are multiple parties involved in the proposed name change that were highly insulted by it.

“As the one who’s going to get named after Donald Trump, I believe my voice should be heard,” the public toilet told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m already associated with the second most disgusting thing on the planet. Why do I have to get lumped in with the worst, just because I’m a toilet. Sure, he likes to get peed on, but I like to get peed IN, big difference.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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