Friday, March 31, 2023

Obama Autographs Woman’s No-Cost Mammogram She Got Through ACA

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS —  When President Donald Trump visited areas of Alabama devastated by a spate of tornadoes, he raised eyebrows after he started signing autographs for supporters. What seemed to cause the buzz wasn’t that he was autographing things for victims of natural disasters, but what it was he was signing –namely Bibles, and even in one case anyway, a woman’s breast. but Trump isn’t the only president to be recently seen signing autographs for adoring female fans.

Former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) was spotted at a Chicago eatery signing something for a woman who seemed to be in tears. However, they turned out to be tears of joy.

“President Obama, sir, I am so sorry to bug you while you eat,” the unnamed woman was overheard saying to Obama while he was eating what was, reportedly, a very tasty hamburger with just the right amount of Dijon Mustard, made specifically by French artisans who hate Republicans and American freedom. “Would you mind something for me?”

Obama set his hamburger down, and wiped his fingers on a copy of the Constitution he keeps for such instances. After wiping his fingers, he lit the facsimile Constitution on fire and said a prayer to Saul Alinsky’s ghost. Ending his prayer by asking God to allow Democrats to kill every unborn and born baby in the country, Obama agreed to give the woman an autograph.

“Oh great! I wasn’t sure if you were too busy,” the woman started fishing into her bra, and Obama stopped her.

Obama tired to get control of the situation.

“Woah, woah! Hold up there! Let’s not go crazy here,” Obama said. 

The woman laughed.

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“Oh! No! That’s not what I’m doing. I just was in a hurry to get out the door this morning and stuffed this into my bra so I wouldn’t lose it,” the woman told Obama. “The paper said you were in town, and I know you like this place, so I took a shot.”

From inside her blouse, a woman produced a folded piece of paper. She handed it to Obama with a pen. Opening the piece of paper up, it was Obama’s turn to laugh.

“Ah, I see now. This is a mammogram,” Obama asked. “You want me to sign your mammogram?”

The woman beamed from ear to ear and nodded her head.

“Yes, please, if you can. You see, my grandma and my mom both died from breast cancer that they could have detected sooner if they’d had better healthcare,” the woman explained. “So when Obamacare was finally passed into law, and I was able to actually afford health insurance and the mammograms were covered, that was the first thing I signed up for.”

The stranger explained to Obama that her mammogram was clear of any signs of cancer, and she was extremely grateful. But even if it had come back in the other direction, she would have still been grateful to President Obama.

“You see, they’d have hopefully caught it early enough to give me a fighting chance. But even if they didn’t, at least you tried, President Obama,” the woman said, some tears flooding her eyes. “You actually tried. You dropped too many drone-fired bombs on civilians, and you damn sure didn’t hold Wall Street accountable enough, but you tried to make it so that working folks like me could maybe get healthcare, and I just wanted you to sign that mammogram so I’d always remember that we once had a president who didn’t just do the job to make himself feel better about being a horrible human being that no one likes unless he’s paying them.”

With a smile, Obama took the pen and signed the mammogram. Happy tears were being wiped away as the woman took her mammogram back. The two bade each other farewell.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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