Barack Obama and Merrick Garland Not Buying Mitch McConnell’s Bullshit

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Barack Obama and Federal Judge Merrick Garland have released a statement, following Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s speech on the Senate floor, decrying the impeachment of President Donald Trump.

Senator McConnell, in a long-winded speech, heavily criticized the House Democrats, under the leadership of Speaker Nancy Pelosi, for what he said was an entirely partisan exercise. Late last night, on mostly party lines, the House of Representatives impeached President Trump on two charges — obstruction of Congress and abuse of power. While McConnell lambasted the proceedings as “unprecedented,” scholars point out that those two charges were listed among the articles of impeachment that former President Richard Nixon would have faced, had he not chosen to resign in disgrace instead.

Following McConnell’s speech, Obama and Garland issued a letter, signed by both men, stating emphatically that they “don’t buy Moscow Mitch’s hypocritical, delusional bullshit.”

“Wait. Hold on a second. Just slow down here, Mitch,” Obama and Garland wrote. “Are you really the guy who has the moral high ground here? Are you really the wet-eyed, tortoise faced fuck that’s best suited to chastise anyone — literally anyone — for being hyper-partisan? Did you forget what you said about President Obama’s first term?”

The letter reminds McConnell that he “created a rule out of thin air” that he used to block Garland from being appointed to the Supreme Court.

“Nowhere in the Constitution does it say you can’t appoint a justice to the Supreme Court in an election year,” the letter says, “but that didn’t stop you, Mitch the Bitch, from trampling all over the Constitution and fairness, blocking Judge Garland from even receiving a hearing. You guys moan and bitch about what impeaching Trump says to the 63 million Americans who voted for him, but you didn’t care one fee-fi-fiddly-fo-fuck about the millions more Americans who voted for President Obama, giving him the right to appoint justices. We smell bullshit coming from your general direction, Mitch.”

In the letter, Garland and Obama make the case that McConnell is the “most nefariously hypocritical sack of shit” currently serving in Congress. However, they concede he has stiff competition for that title. 

“Of course, you’re not the only mendacious, disingenuous sack of shit on the Hill. You’ve got stiff competition from Senator Graham and Senator Cruz,” the open letter says. “And then there’s Tom Cotton and the racist morons Mark Meadows and Louie Gohmert. All of you are beyond partisan, but have seen fit to criticize Democrats for impeaching Trump on partisan grounds. It’s as if you expect the American people to forget how you treated us. It’s as if you think the only Americans that matter are the ones who exist in your media bubble of Fox News, OAN, Breitbart, and Stormfront pamphlets.”

The letter warns McConnell to “heed the 2018 mid-terms” and to “buckle-up for more of that ass kicking in 2020.”

“You think impeaching Trump will inspire his base to get out and vote, and that might be true,” Obama and Garland write, “but what do you think will happen after the country watched you and Lindsey state, before the articles passed, that you’d acquit Trump sight unseen? How do you think the voters who took away your party’s majority in the House will react next year to you putting on a truly sham impeachment trial? You can run, Comrade McConnell, but you can’t hide from the voters forever. Enjoy the last year of your leadership, Moscow Mitch.”

Donald J. Trump is now the third impeached president in U.S. history. He is the first Republican to be given the dubious honor. He also received the most votes in favor of impeachment out of all three impeached presidents.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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