Barack Obama Buys and Renames Netflix, Releases List of Its First Three New Shows

KENYA — Former President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he and his wife Michelle have agreed to purchase streaming media company Netflix and rename it. At the same time, Obama announced the first three new shows the company will be producing.

The new name will be a simple modification of the first name, and Obama Netflix will begin taking new subscribers in the coming weeks.

“We weren’t quite ready to make this announcement yet, but as always, that clever and super bigly smart Donny Trump caught us red handed,” Obama told reporters and stockholders during a press conference. “Somehow he figured out we were going to buy Netflix and turn it into a 24/7 subliminal messaging outlet that convinces Americans to give up their guns, scrub ‘In God We Trust’ off their currency, and institute Marsha Sharia Law,’ and we figured since the cat was out of the bag, we might as well announce Obama Netflix now, today.”

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Obama was referencing a series of tweets sent by the commander in chief today, complaining about House Democrats stepping up the talks of impeachment, and even in some committees formally setting the rules for such investigations. Trump, blasting Democrats, for “trying to build a case” that he is benefitting himself financially with his position, lashed out and, as he has done on several occasions lately, criticized a deal made by the Obamas with Netflix to produce content for the streaming service. Trump ended his latest rant against Obama with a simple, “Obama Netflix?”

“Look, I don’t know how Donny got a hold of the name we were going to give the service, but in all fairness to everyone involved, Obama Netflix is pretty on the nose,” Obama admitted. “Nevertheless, we’re pushing forward, and we cannot wait to show you guys all the shows we’ve got cooked up. In fact, we’ve prepared a little sizzle reel of the first five shows we’ve got scheduled to release this coming fall. We hope you’ll enjoy them!”

Obama directed the shareholders’ and media’s attention to a video package that introduced three brand new shows to Obama Netflix’s lineup of award winning content. The shows all center around life in America, and Mr. Obama said his new media production company is “really looking forward” to adding to the roster as time goes on. All are slated to be available when the deal is made official, pending final approval from the board of executives and the FCC and FTC, which Obama doesn’t foresee as being a problem.

“We’ll just put a Sharia Voodoo hex on them,” Obama said with a dismissive wave. “That’ll get the FCC out of the way, and we’ll do the same with the Federal Trade Commission. It’ll be just like when I was the holder of the ultimate power in the universe again! Really looking forward to putting more government workers under my Sharia voodoo spell!”

The following is a brief synopsis of the shows teased by Obama’s sizzle reel, provided by Obama Netflix.

Orange Ain’t the Old Black

Obama Netflix’s Synopsis: Have you never noticed that the guy who took over your old job really sucks at it? Have you ever noticed how, even after you haven’t had the job for a couple years, that new guy still can’t stop thinking about you, almost like he’s obsessed with what real success and earned respect look like? Then this is the show for you! It’s all about what happens when one man, who happens to be a popular black man, gives up a job he was really good at, and ends up watching a bumbling buffoon erase a lot of the work he did for nearly a decade. 

Fake Spray Tan Glow

Obama Netflix’s Synopsis: The story of a man with an addiction to fake tans that he thinks make him look even slightly less horrific. “Fake Spray Tan Glow” follows the exploits of a man who pretends to be doing presidential things, but is actually just live rage-tweeting Fox News like your drunk, racist uncle might during Thanksgiving dinner. With a cast of fun characters like Steve “I’m a Nazi” Bannon, Seb “I’m Also a Nazi” Gorka, and Stephen “White Pointy Hood” Miller, and not to mention Uday and Qussay Trump, the main character’s somehow stupider sons, you’re sure to laugh out loud to stop yourself from crying tears of helpless resignation!

How I Met My Daughter and Made Her Your Mother

Obama Netflix’s Synopsis: A man’s love for his own ego can only be challenged by one thing — his love for his daughter. And his love for his daughter can only be challenged by his lust for the very same daughter. Because he wants to fuck his own daughter. From the producers of  “My Daughter’s Full Blouse,” “Step By Step Toward Boffing My Daughter,” and “Perfect Strangers Don’t Bone Like We Do, My Darling Ivanka,” comes a breakout new show, “How I Met Your Daughter and Made Her Your Mother.” It’s a premise sure to resonate with the family values crowd; particularly the ones who value their family members’ familial members.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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