WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin prides herself on being a team player.
That’s why, when she was asked by the Republican Party to donate one of her two precious brain cells to Rep. Lauren Boebert and Rep. Marjorie Craycraylor Greene during the 2020 election cycle, she did so without hesitation. Now, though, she says it’s time for the women to return the brain cell she loaned them.
“When the GOP asked me to let them borrow one of my thinkin’ blobs, I didn’t think nothin’ of it, dontchyaknow. That’s what we Mama Grizzlies do when we’re not doing photo ops at Chick-Fil-As and making fun of mom jeans,” Palin quipped on OAN this morning. “We give for the greater good. Besides, I can do most things I need to with one brain cell, despite what the elite liberal media wants you to believe. Excuse me while I belch out right-wing buzzwords: cancel culture, socialism, protect the unborn, these colors don’t run.”
For most of the last year or so, Palin said she’s been “sticking to the basics” so as not to tax her brain too much. Half-Gov. Palin said she was “super duper honored and not at all surprised” to see that her brain cell helped Greene and Boebert win their elections. Palin divulged that she was a bit skeptical about the idea, considering she only had the one brain cell to spare, and it’d have to be shared between the freshmen congressional representatives.
“I guess I just forgot how much rock-ribbed, dyed-in-the-wool, true blue patriotic conservative thought can be done with a single brain cell,” Palin said smugly. “That’s because we don’t have all that wasteful government education floating around in our skulls. We conservatives know how to streamline, how to be efficient with limited resources.”
“Plus, everything we say is stupid as fuck,” Palin concluded. “So there’s that.”
Greene and Boebert have reportedly told Palin they’ll return her brain cell in the next couple of weeks.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.