WHISTLER’S COB, IDAHO — Jack and Mary Beth Scoggins absolutely love their three children, and they make sure everyone on social media knows it.
The Scoggins routinely post pictures of their son and two daughters participating in various school and extracurricular activities on their social media accounts. Whenever the Scoggins go out for dinner with their kids — who range in age from 8 to 16 — they make sure to post about it as well. Mary Beth’s and Jack’s friends routinely tell them how much they enjoy seeing the love and commitment they have for and to their children Kevin, Susan, and Helena.
It cannot be mistaken — the Scoggins love their kids with all their hearts, but in a recent moment of extreme candor, Jack and Mary Beth dropped a bombshell on their family, and indeed their entire social circle.
“Honestly, Susan’s okay, and we love her so much, but if we’re being totally honest? She’s not my favorite, and she’s not Jack’s favorite either,” Mary Beth told us via Skype. “And again, it doesn’t mean we love her any less, but she’s always had a feeling that Kevin’s my favorite and Helena’s her dad’s favorite, and we think at 13 years old, Susan’s old enough to deal with the fact that she’s absolutely, 100% correct in that regard.”
Neither Jack nor Mary Beth could pinpoint exactly what it is about Susan that makes her their least favorite, but Jack has some ideas.
“We don’t relate to her like we relate to the other two,” Jack said. “Maybe it’s because she doesn’t look like either of us all that much, maybe it’s that she doesn’t take after either of us too much, or maybe it’s the fact that she’s possessed by the spirit of a 13th century European despotic feudal lord and is always threatening to murder us and salt the earth so that no one can ever use our lands again.”
Mary Beth thinks Jack is onto something with his theory.
“Yeah, I mean, she’s always been a little hard to handle, but we absolutely love her no matter what,” Mary Beth told us. “That being said, for sure the whole threatening to lay waste to our empire, rape our women, and plunder our riches thing is off-putting, and it definitely takes her down a peg or two on the favoritism chart, know what I mean?”
Jack and Mary Beth both now regret taking their children into an abandoned temple a cult made use of for centuries and letting Susan reach her hand into a mysterious, bubbling cauldron that enabled the soul of the 13th century despot to inter-mingle with Susan’s body and take control of it.
“If we had known there was a chance for a soul to soul connection to be made between our daughter and a barbarous feudal lord we would have probably just skipped that part of the shore excursion that day,” Mary Beth said. “But you just never know when your daughter’s body is going to be inhabited by the soul of a murderous, long dead leader, am I right?”
The Scoggins say they don’t have any plans to disown or shun Susan, no matter how many times she threatens to “savage” their crops and burn their house to the ground.
“We’re starting family therapy next week,” Jack said. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll try an Exorcism. Sure, she’s not our favorite, but we still love her. We still want this family to work. And if all that doesn’t pan out, then yeah, we buy her a horse, a sword, and a frigate, point her in the direction of Eastern Europe, and tell her to have fun on her pillaging crusade, I guess.”
Susan would not agree to an interview for this piece.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”