Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Parler Now Being Hosted on Klansman’s Tandy 1000

The alt-right social media app Parler was taken offline when Amazon Web Services canceled their account. It was an action that left thousands of angry, ginned-up, ammo hoarding patriotic Trump supporters feeling alone and increasingly without a safe social media space to call their own. Parler has come under heavy scrutiny in the days following a pro-Trump mob attacking the U.S. Capitol, attempting to delay or sabotage the certification of former-Vice President Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 election. Google and Apple delisted Parler from their app stores, citing the social media company’s complete refusal to police their users’ content for incitements of further seditious insurrections.

“We are extremely outraged that Amazon would dare to tell us what to do with servers they built and pay to maintain,” Parler’s Media Spokesperson Joe Gerbils told reporters today. “If we don’t have an absolute right to force private companies to help us monetize our hate speech, do we really live in America anymore?”

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It appears, though, that Parler will be back online in just a few short hours. That’s because the company announced that a deal was reached between a klansman with an old Radio Shack Tandy 1000-TX model personal computer living in Alabama and Parler, allowing the klansman to act as the social media site’s host. It’s unclear how long this arrangement is intended to last, but Parler thinks it’s a “match made in the Third Reich.”

“Last night, Clem Reynolds of Cousindoink, Alabama agreed to let us install the files necessary to host Parler on his Tandy 1000 personal computer,” Gerbils announced. “This is truly a match made in the Third Reich. Clem is one of our most popular users, and hosting our site on a klansman’s computer ist just so on-brand for us, it’s almost a miracle, really.”

Mr. Reynolds told listeners to his podcast this morning that he was “just ecstatic, over the moon, and on the burning cross” about this development.

“It’ll be my honor and privilege to host the assorted asundry racist rantings of my fellow MAGAS,” Reynolds said. “I already had the Tandy 1000 laying around, playing King’s Quest on it, so it was no big deal at all to throw the 3.5″ floppy disk Parler sent me into the drive, connect the PC to an old modem I had, and hook it all up to the Internet. I’m just so glad to help keep my friends’ screeds and manifestos alive and well, where they belong.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.