JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI — Governor Mike Parson (Q) just signed a bill into law that requires the Federal Bureau of Investigations to offer a free semiautomatic rifle to every resident of the Show Me State. The FBI has been given six weeks to comply, or the Missouri State Attorney General has signaled his intent to sue the FBI, and President Joe Biden personally, for not following the new law.
“We expect the FBI to comply with this law, and we have every reason to believe they will,” Gov. Parson said prior to the signing ceremony in his office. “Not only does the federal government have no right to regulate any kind of weaponry, ever, it has a duty to encourage every dummy, moron, violent criminal, and various other patriotic American to procure as many weapons as they can. You know, in case the very same government also becomes tyrannical at some point, and by tyrannical I mean — ‘Democrats start winning elections and running things,’ of course.”
Earlier in the month, Parson signed a law that attempts to nullify any federal gun regulation. While the Constitution’s so-called supremacy clause has meant that courts have routinely blocked such attempts by states, Parsons showed no hesitance whatsoever in signing his own nullification law. Governor Parsons said that the new law he signed today is a “companion piece” to the nullification he signed.
“The U.S. government must never be allowed to help us keep guns out of the hands of people who become a danger to everyone around them when they have a gun,” Parsons explained. “However, it’s not nearly enough to tell them they can’t enforce their own laws here. We need them to be forced, by our own laws, to spread the joy and liberty of firearms. Except maybe, you know, the ones that are a shade or two less American than us. They don’t need guns.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.