Thursday, December 8, 2022

Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app “Zoom” told our reporter afterward that it was only about 30% less creepy to be in a tele-orgy than it is to be in one in-person. Due to the social distancing guidelines still in effect while the planet combats a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, all sixteen people who took part in the Zoom orgy decided via email that their safest bet was to either cancel the orgy altogether, or to embrace whatever the “new normal” is during the time of COVID-19, and to look for technological ways to hold the orgy.

“I think we all knew what we were up against, and we know that things would probably only get harder for us the longer we took to decide how to handle things,” Gary Shoemaker, one of the orgy’s original planners, told us via Skype. “Getting a grip on what to do was our top priority. So we started talking about our options in an email thread, and we all agreed that we’d rather have some kind of orgy than no orgy at all. I forget who, but someone suggested Skype or another video chat app, but we needed one that could host quite a few people.”

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After a day of research, the orgy goers decided on a virtual orgy hosted on the Zoom platform. Since the start of near nationwide lockdowns from businesses and schools, Zoom has come to the forefront of live video chat applications that can host a large number of participants. Shoemaker told our reporter that the time and date of the orgy was kept as originally planned, but a Zoom meeting ID was disseminated to all those who were invited to the in-person orgy, instead.

“Obviously, all of us were really looking forward to in-person group sex,” Shoemaker admitted. “In these times though, you have to do what you have to do. Some people might not understand this, but we orgy goers are generally more attuned with the concepts of hygiene and cleanliness. We make sure that everyone in our secret sex orgy club gets a monthly STD test, and in general we make sure all our sex-having surfaces are completely disinfected before the first boner or lady boner is brought into the mix.”

As their Zoom orgy got underway, Shoemaker says that most of the people on the call “seemed into it” and that while everyone could “see and feel the obvious differences” between having an orgy on Zoom and having one in an actual sex dungeon, they still seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as usual. 

“I think everyone felt the usual pre-group sex jitters. That’s to be expected,” Shoemaker admitted. “After enough time though, it really seemed like things were really getting into full swing, no pun intended.”

While everyone had a good time, Shoemaker said that he took an informal poll of those who participated and that about 30% of them told him it felt less creepy doing the orgy online instead of in-person. Gary said he would have figured that it might be a bit different. He would have assumed that more people thought the Zoom orgy wasn’t as creepy as actually being in the room with other people who were fucking. But, he said, in the final equation, Zoom orgies have their own odd quirks about them.

“I mean, we’re all just pretty much masturbating in front of a camera lens, at that point,” Gary said. “So you really need to sort of shutdown your sense of disbelief and just go with it. Otherwise, it can feel like you’re just watching a ton of people jerking off. Not all of us are voyeurs, you know? Most of us need to be in on the action.”

Gary was all set to suggest another Zoom orgy, despite the odd feelings about watching people masturbate and calling it an orgy. However, ten minutes before the session ended, something that happened that has him rethinking any future Zoom-hosted orgies. An uninvited guest somehow made it into their virtual orgy.

“I guess we forgot to set a password for our meeting session,” Shoemaker posisted. “Because of that, it was left wide open, and not long before we called it a night, someone got in and started watching us all masturbate. Luckily, a lot of us are kinda into that, so it didn’t take away from our finish, so to speak. Still, I like a door that can be locked, and I just don’t want to leave anything to chance, so we’ll probably be hosting solo orgies until the coronavirus thing dies down a bit more.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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